Never Follow the White Rabbit

Its 1:15 in the afternoon on a Tuesday and I’m dressed for work writing as I wait for my car, Barbie, to be repaired. I have been working on getting her fixed for the last week and this morning she finally decided enough was a enough and took a break right on the side of the road. Needless to say my morning has been stressful. It’s amazing what a rabbit hole of negativity my head can be on days where my emotions try to wear the pants in this family. A year and a half ago I had a crush and my friend Joy told me in the midst of it I was capable of controlling my emotions. It was hard, but I could do it. Ever since then I have put this truth into hard practice. Today is one of those days.

It amazes me how everything can feel as if it’s spiraling down on you. Really, in the long view of things, how big of a deal is it I have to drain the savings I have been working so hard to obtain, to fix a car with a payment, I am grateful for but don’t really like? It really isn’t. It won’t be like this forever, today is just a day and it’s not the long view of my life. But man, somewhere in there my mind had me spun out almost in tears over so many ridiculous lies. It’s amazing to me how from an unforgiving morning of circumstance, the lies start to encompass every part of my life! I am thankful I have come to a place where I have learned to balance my emotions better. I am not being run by them, I refuse to give into them, and it’s a nice place to be where the little goodness’ of the day reveal God’s grace. I’ve learned enough to know, where God’s grace and goodness are, his glory is smack dab in the middle of it.

The best part of the day so far is it’s warm enough outside to wear my summer uniform to work and no matter how I feel I always feel pretty in this dress. It’s also the most comfortable thing I own. My car will get fixed, money will eventually find its way back to my savings, my dad is awesome, my friends are generous and really I’m blessed beyond measure. When I see it that way I feel peace, something I am getting used to learning how to find – To accept it. By controlling my emotions I am able to surrender to peace. I sort of sink into it, like when you are sinking down into a warm tub. Inside, where my nervous stirs, sinks into a tub of grace and peace I guess is what grace feels like. I just learned it’s always been there, I just had my back to it in my effort to carry it all by myself.

Never follow the white rabbit; his tunnels always lead deeper than is really necessary to follow. We make the choice of where we set our focus. We choose our route on this journey; people who make it to the end keep their focus on the end, not the stuff on the sides. Stay focused, mind your course, find the peace and remember there is lots of possibility in a day if you just choose to see it.

Its 2:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday now, I’m dressed for work and I still am writing as I wait for my car, Barbie, to be repaired. I’m getting frustrated to be honest. Work is looking further and further away today. However, grace has allowed it not to be too hectic of a day at work and it’s good my car is getting fixed and there is a light at the end of the tunnel with this ordeal. From where I sit I can see his glory in the place I sit inside. Rested and certain it’s all ok. Nothings changed. God’s still good, his mercies are still new every morning, the day has loads of possibility within it and tomorrow will be here soon enough. So there you go.

Yeah, so there you go.

1+1=

I made a commitment when I started my job, I would only add to the environment. If I was going to put my hands to this office I was going to use them to build and not tear down. I made the determination of who I was going to be before I even started, that way no matter who the people I worked with were, I only added no matter what. There is a small cluster of our tiny team who sort of bounce off each other and to be honest, I don’t really think they are too funny or interesting. They think they are funny and are quite loud about it but to each his own, I love being able to listen to my iPod and get lost in my work.

There is someone on my team who passes a lot of judgment. They are quite witty about it and dramatic but it is what it is. We eat a lot of cake in my department. Seriously, it’s almost a weekly thing. I think I’ve only eaten it twice but there is a lot of cake. The other day it was again a reason for cake and the “funny” ones were eating cake while discussing how they shouldn’t. In the middle of this conversation the “judge” told someone they were living a sedentary life and to mind what they ate. After the banter from this argument, they pass by my desk fall into their chair and say, “whew, I’m tired.” What I wanted to respond with was, “Well, passing all that judgment can wear you out!” I kept my mouth shut but drafted an email to the girl who sits next to me and is a bit Daria with me amongst our office of Ken and Barbies.

I drafted the email telling her my response with a few lines explaining my restraint. Then I remembered and glanced at the only hot pink sticky amidst the multiple yellow ones hanging around my monitors. ALWAYS ONLY ADD. If I sent this all I was doing was stirring up an us-against-them mentality which makes me exactly part of what I don’t love about this little clique. I wasn’t looking at the good, I wasn’t building relationship, I wasn’t building respect, I wasn’t Adding anything.

I don’t have to like everyone but I do have to respect everyone. People are people and I am no greater. I have to keep the right perspective of people. If I am going to love them I need to love them even when I’d rather give into the nasty in me. Sometimes giving into that meanness feels really good or is really funny, but that’s not loving people and what if I am here on purpose? I think it’s important to remember, God wants and can use us at any moment. I think I sometimes get to comfortable and familiar with God and think he can’t use any moment, any thought, or any word to change a life. Sometimes I need to remember to get out of the way. If I’m not adding I’m in the way.

I deleted the email.

Theorem C12:9

I've been really aware of God's goodness lately. Saturday was a blow my mind kind of day. All day long I was blown away by God's grace stacking on top of grace leaving me speechless, and in tears once or twice.

Grateful is a really overwhelming feeling. It’s like a hollow fullness, its expanse contradicts itself and the only word to describe it is wonderful. I roll around in its wonder. Shocked and amazed this is the life I live. I'm being trusted with more and because of the trust I see cooler stuff.

It's so vague to describe but here is where I'm steering to, it is amazing what it feels like to start to "get" some stuff. I'm starting to "get" things like grace and faith, like trust and hope and peace and joy. In starting to get them I'm starting to see how powerful it is. It is like armor. A random thought tries to infect a situation and something bigger than me takes over and starts to match it up to some stuff. If they don't match it selects the appropriate principle and viola! I understand peace.

I encourage you to keep seeking. If you are anything like me and find yourself striving for this "place" to "get" to then be encouraged to know keep seeking what you are seeking, striving will fall off and it will be replaced by the genuine article. His grace really is sufficient, who knew? I wish I could give you a theorem to plug into the circumstance of your life and poof you'd have an answer. I always liked that route, but there is no moment. All of a sudden you look up and you're standing in the midst of it and you "get" it. Its focused attention, hard work, short accounts, bent knees, and determination, but keep going. The world needs you to, you're more powerful that way and there is a lot to do. You are more powerful to fulfill your dreams when you start to accept and believe the truths over your life. I know it's tough but I promise it's better than you think it's going to be.

It's real I promise.

Trippin'

I went on my first cruise last summer. The first night they sat my friend Beth and I at a table with the strangest matched couple I've met in awhile. The man looked like an older version of Finch from American Pie, and all they kept telling us was what not to do. Needless to say the next night we requested a larger table with people more our age!

At the new table we sat with two couple from New York who were in our age group and some of the most fun people I've ever met. One thing I love about my life is the ease at which I make friends. I rarely travel anywhere and return home with out a new friend. In England I came home with 15 new friends. It was awesome, I LOVE people, but I digress.

I've stayed in touch with the couples since returning from my cruise and next weekend I am off to the Big Apple to pal around NYC with some natives - I couldn't be more excited. I am seeing my first Broadway show, visiting Central Park, and going to the top of the Empire State Building; all things new to me though this is my fourth trip to the city.

I intend to blog via my ginnyisms page on Facebook. It will be short blurbs and photos but I hope you will come with me for the weekend and we'll see what we can get ourselves into!

I'm excited about the blog. I feel like I have a fleet of people doing life with me, reading as I work out the hard stuff, but this is going to be fun and I want to take you on the grand adventures as well. I encourage you to stop thinking, worrying, stressing, and HAVE some fun!

Absorption Extended

When I extend grace, I tangibly feel the extension of grace over my own life. I used to pray in vain for God to see my heart and then show it to me. I just recently got to a place where I trust my own heart. I don't hear the lies too much anymore trying to sway me from my performance-based relationship with God. Now I know my heart is all in. I am fully convinced and though it took me what seems like forever to get here – here I am. Fully aware this season of expansion holds within it the next seed of contraction. It doesn't matter though. No matter what comes in life I'm fully convinced. I dreamed of getting to this place and trust me I'm not arrived by any means but I am confident in my relationship with Christ and satisfied with knowing I'm always going to be growing.

Some how by seeing my own heart it has helped me see the heart of others. I had a situation this week where I was motivated by what I saw in the heart of another rather than what was coming out of the mouth, but I was angry. I learned through it a couple of things. I thought about all the dumb stuff I do. I do a LOT. I thought about each time I laughed at something I shouldn't, had a petty girl moment, or just failed to give my best at any given moment. Sure, there are things in my life God would have reason to get angry with me, I'm his kid, it's what kids do. Somehow the cross absorbs the anger. If the cross can absorb the anger of GOD how much more can it absorb my own? By looking at the heart of this situation I somehow filtered it through the cross which changed my perspective.

I can march around singing LOVE PEOPLE passing out free hugs all I want, but if I'm not putting it into practice when it's hard to love them what good am I? I say dumb stuff all the time. I hurt feelings, embarrass, and wound. I'm human and I have a strong tongue. I eat a lot of humble pie and thankfully as I grow, I don't have to eat as much. I do know what it's like though, and I remember the grace extended to me. How in the world could I ever be too "grown" to not have to extend grace? It's humbling for me to think about honestly. I don't deserve it and yet, I swim in it. I'm no better than anyone else and who am I to deny someone to swim with me? I learned a lot about the grace over my own life by making a choice to extend it someone else. It changed my heart. It's a powerful revelation – grace…and I bet it's deeper still.