That's a Wrap!

It's 1:34 am and I am getting ready for a meeting in the morning. I am meeting with a web developer/internet marketer tomorrow morning for ginnyisms, and I'm really excited about it. I just went through all my stats for the year. This post, my last for 2010 will be the 52nd post this year rounding my average to, a post a week. I can live with that. I showed up well this year and I'm pleased to write my final blog for the year.

I am so excited about this meeting tomorrow. I have had some serious revelation this month. God unveiled a ridiculous amount of stuff before Christmas and one of those things is this writing thing. I know where I'm going now. I knew before, but now I know that I know and I am excited about it.

I hope my passion sparks something in this guy and together we come up with some great stuff for the future of ginnyisms. I hope he works out and I start to build up a creative team around it and see where we can go...

I am so excited for this year.

I'd like to thank you for coming along this year. It was a big year with a lot of transition and I couldn't have done it without the people in my world. So I'd like to thank my friends the people I write about, the ones that stand in the kitchen with me batting around titles to posts, to my email buddies during the day who bounces ideas and encouragement, to the ones who promote in multiple states – Thank you. This year was shaped by the ones who let me text them on the hard days, cry my ugly cry, and tell them repeated stories about what someone said on the blog. Thanks. The ones who shared their lives with me and let me write about it openly, to friends who texted out ideas when I was stuck on a topic. You shaped my year and I couldn't be blessed with more amazing people in my life.

So anyway, enough. Here's to one hell of a year! No matter where you are today remember you are favored, you’re loved, you have something to contribute, and the world is better because you are here. Remember you aren't alone, life is real, and really remember there are greater things on the horizon so focus on that.

Happy New Year!

Through the Looking Glass

There's been a load of revelation this week; poured out displays of his goodness saying yes and amen. I imagine I will be very much changed by February. As I sought the thin places tonight I was overwhelmed with his goodness. How he pours out his grace when we ask for it and his word and his will are attainable if you just keep seeking.

As I sat and talked with God I started to pray for Joseph, the cashier at the Salvation Army Thrift Store I met tonight. I prayed he’d keep the paper I wrote the church’s information down on. I prayed he’d walk into church and find his home to heal his broken, lonely heart which he poured out to us when we asked if he was excited for Christmas. As I prayed for Joseph I started to pray for Lauren, someone who told me she appreciated me because she didn't feel so alone, I prayed for her to feel comfort. I prayed for the dream over my life and how I want to love people. Then God had to of intervened because next I prayed he would always have me be a mirror to people, that I would reflect the image of themselves with God alive within them. What a powerful image and revelation! That I would always have a familiar face because people recognize themselves in me.

It's powerful and completely God because I can't think of anything close to that amazing. I really am starting to see myself in the identity God set for me. Paul completely took on the identity of God's vessel for his message so at the end of the day, he could say, “Message sent.” When Chris taught that last week it humbled me to the core, it touched something deeply within me. Somehow within a week God has breathed on what started there and I am finally starting to really deeply grasp the God identity he renamed me 9 years ago. I am different now, he accepted my bid to be used and I am finally starting to grasp the gravity of that honor and to be a good steward. There’s so much packed into that revelation; so much love and hope, satisfaction and passion. His revelation is so much more satisfying then anything else and then to think if it’s this good how much better can it possibly get? And to be quite honest with you a big sigh of relief I’ve not given up, I can do it, and this race is absolutely for me.

He’s using me, because I asked.

I am humbled.

Swamp Thang

I realized tonight when I am not really seeking God on things I have nothing to write. I have been in contact and praying, going to bible college, and doing life but really seeking the "thin places" as my friend Cassidy calls it; not so much. Lame I know.

I think at some point we burn out of doing things on our own. I have been so angry lately; angry at traffic, angry at my cars, angry at myself, just angry. Today I've had enough. I am frustrated and in a funk. I had to ask myself when was the last time I got on my face and really sought the thin places on my own, just me and God?

There's been nothing of substance to write because there's been nothing fresh in my spirit. God is good but what I get at church and talking to my friends isn't enough.

It's my doing, I've been hanging on and "handling" my stuff all by myself, as if I had any control or capablity in fixing overwhelming circumstances. I can't give myself favor...tonight I'm getting on my face. I can't stay this nasty negative swamp of a person even for the rest of today.

My friend Rachael talked a bit of it out with me tonight and she said I was just in a funk and it will pass, I understand and agree. The funks or ruts come and they go but I think the greatest thing is how long will we stay in them.

Matthew Barnett, senior pastor of the Dream Center in Los Angeles, preached at Soul Central tonight and he said the "devil will love to steal your fire for long periods." It may have been only a few weeks of mounting "funk" but enough is enough and it's time to pick myself up let it go and get on with the fire of life.

At the end of the day I know where I want to go and how badly I want to get there. I have a choice, to stay here in my funk- angry moving to bitterness or I have the choice to dust off, surrender, and trade my funk for God's fire. It's up to me.

Tonight if you are finding yourself in a funk be encouraged to know we all go through them, no worries you are normal. Also be encouraged to know God wants to help you out of your funk more than you want out of it so let him help you. Tonight I was really honest with God, I told him I was so angry all the time and I didn't know why. I can't say there's been any HUGE revelation or release yet since my honest surrender of a bad attitude but here's a post and I honestly have no idea where it came from. All I can say is His grace is suffcient.

Amen.

Vending Machine of Promise, Yes Please!

I’ve been listening to “Cruisin’,” by Huey Lewis and the News with Gwyneth Paltrow on repeat since Tuesday. It sounds how my week feels. It’s been a neat week. I’ve been praying for wisdom for a few questions in my life the last couple of weeks, and I got it. In March I heard Sy Rogers preach on the character of God. He said if he compared his past experiences with God he recognized the pattern, God’s Character is innately good. He’s always proven himself to be good, so why would he not continue to demonstrate his character as such? This revelation propelled me through my hardest days waiting for breakthrough to come. The day I received the full revelation was the day I was offered my job. Once I got this revelation it changed how I saw all else. He is always good.

Despite this revelation it still amazes me when I see the word become life and activate a part of me. The Bible says whomever lacks wisdom should ask for it and it will be freely given. This time instead of trying to figure it all out on my own, talk to 19 different people about what they thought, and feel frustrated, I recognized I didn’t know the answers and I needed help. So, I asked for wisdom specifically and he gave it me. Through this wisdom I was able to come to the answers myself. I applied his wisdom and it told me exactly where I stood. I think I feel so humbled because I trusted and he gave it to me. He is working in me and I am growing and maturing as a person. I like who I am and it’s a nice place to be.

Don’t get me wrong I have my stuff, I always will, but it never stops amazing me when God moves in my life. It amazes me how grandly he can move in the simplest of things, in the little details of the everyday. I find humor and humility in how much it moves me; someone who once deeply struggled to see the power in the everyday.

I’m really grateful this week. I’m always thankful, but I get busy and unfocused and I think I forget to be grateful. I’m grateful for my job and how it’s moving me closer to my dreams. I’m grateful God wanted me and likes using me. I’m grateful I live a dynamic life that leads to adventure and possibility. I’m grateful for the people in my world who color my days shades I would never think to use. It’s just a nice week and I’m grateful for it. It feels how the song sounds, I’m cruising, grateful and thankful we’re cruisin’ together.

99 Problems and a Gym Ain't 1

I’m going to be really honest here. So much so I’m really hoping certain people won’t read it, but I don’t know how to tell you the beautiful part of this story with out telling you the dirty part too. I haven’t been to the gym since August 1 and I was starting to pick up some of my bad eating habits. Now, I have stayed active and done some work outs but I have not been diligent with it. There were some circumstances but somewhere about mid-September I started telling myself I had to make a priority in my finances and my time to get back to the gym. Let’s be honest, If I didn’t it was always going to be something. Last week I decided enough-was-a-enough and I wasn’t happy. I hadn’t gained any weight, even when shopping in New York, I was buying smaller sizes. I just didn’t feel good. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to continue to buy the smaller sizes if I didn’t get back to my work out regimen and back to my lifestyle change.

Insert a bunch of emotional and sarcastic internal garbage and we come to…If I’m not happy with what I see in the mirror then I need to change it. I have the power with in me to make the choices that will change the way I feel about what I see when I look in the mirror lately. I was really happy a month ago, so if I’m not happy now, I am responsible for fixing that. I think we have a lot more control over our “happiness” than we realize. I just talked to a friend about fighting condemnation today and I have been in a sparring match with myself the last two weeks doing the same thing. So today I went to the gym and I joined it. I then came home and did a yoga session on my cable on demand because I needed some really good stretching today for my back. I did something. I find it funny how condemnation can keep you in the same spot. It paralyzes you, pinning you down by sitting on your chest showing you just what you don’t want to see. If I get up though, it has no where to sit.

When I start to understand how to really renew my mind, change my actions, and see different results; I really understand a multitude more about my life. I understand change is real and I can do it. I surprise myself when I start to see the changes I am seeing and mostly because I decided to stop believing I never would change. There is power in the little things. Signing up for the gym and doing some stretches may not be a three hour work out where I burn nine billion calories, but it is where I pick back up and continue on my journey. There is sweet relief when you find your way back on the path you were meaning to go, when you thought for sure you were lost for good.

It wasn’t a lot but it was something. Tomorrow I will get off work come home and change, and at seven I will be in my first class at my new gym. This lifestyle change is real. I am really changing. I can honestly say I’ve never come this far before, I don’t really mean physically but in the mental commitment of it. I have never picked myself up, dusted myself off and got back on track in this area so quickly before. I’m so happy to know my character has changed and as it is changing the rest of me is changing too. What was sick is being healed, what was scared is growing confidant, and what is coming is attainable and I’m so thankful for grace.

PS If you are new to the blog I suggest earlier posts, Investment and Fat Kid.

Never Follow the White Rabbit

Its 1:15 in the afternoon on a Tuesday and I’m dressed for work writing as I wait for my car, Barbie, to be repaired. I have been working on getting her fixed for the last week and this morning she finally decided enough was a enough and took a break right on the side of the road. Needless to say my morning has been stressful. It’s amazing what a rabbit hole of negativity my head can be on days where my emotions try to wear the pants in this family. A year and a half ago I had a crush and my friend Joy told me in the midst of it I was capable of controlling my emotions. It was hard, but I could do it. Ever since then I have put this truth into hard practice. Today is one of those days.

It amazes me how everything can feel as if it’s spiraling down on you. Really, in the long view of things, how big of a deal is it I have to drain the savings I have been working so hard to obtain, to fix a car with a payment, I am grateful for but don’t really like? It really isn’t. It won’t be like this forever, today is just a day and it’s not the long view of my life. But man, somewhere in there my mind had me spun out almost in tears over so many ridiculous lies. It’s amazing to me how from an unforgiving morning of circumstance, the lies start to encompass every part of my life! I am thankful I have come to a place where I have learned to balance my emotions better. I am not being run by them, I refuse to give into them, and it’s a nice place to be where the little goodness’ of the day reveal God’s grace. I’ve learned enough to know, where God’s grace and goodness are, his glory is smack dab in the middle of it.

The best part of the day so far is it’s warm enough outside to wear my summer uniform to work and no matter how I feel I always feel pretty in this dress. It’s also the most comfortable thing I own. My car will get fixed, money will eventually find its way back to my savings, my dad is awesome, my friends are generous and really I’m blessed beyond measure. When I see it that way I feel peace, something I am getting used to learning how to find – To accept it. By controlling my emotions I am able to surrender to peace. I sort of sink into it, like when you are sinking down into a warm tub. Inside, where my nervous stirs, sinks into a tub of grace and peace I guess is what grace feels like. I just learned it’s always been there, I just had my back to it in my effort to carry it all by myself.

Never follow the white rabbit; his tunnels always lead deeper than is really necessary to follow. We make the choice of where we set our focus. We choose our route on this journey; people who make it to the end keep their focus on the end, not the stuff on the sides. Stay focused, mind your course, find the peace and remember there is lots of possibility in a day if you just choose to see it.

Its 2:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday now, I’m dressed for work and I still am writing as I wait for my car, Barbie, to be repaired. I’m getting frustrated to be honest. Work is looking further and further away today. However, grace has allowed it not to be too hectic of a day at work and it’s good my car is getting fixed and there is a light at the end of the tunnel with this ordeal. From where I sit I can see his glory in the place I sit inside. Rested and certain it’s all ok. Nothings changed. God’s still good, his mercies are still new every morning, the day has loads of possibility within it and tomorrow will be here soon enough. So there you go.

Yeah, so there you go.

1+1=

I made a commitment when I started my job, I would only add to the environment. If I was going to put my hands to this office I was going to use them to build and not tear down. I made the determination of who I was going to be before I even started, that way no matter who the people I worked with were, I only added no matter what. There is a small cluster of our tiny team who sort of bounce off each other and to be honest, I don’t really think they are too funny or interesting. They think they are funny and are quite loud about it but to each his own, I love being able to listen to my iPod and get lost in my work.

There is someone on my team who passes a lot of judgment. They are quite witty about it and dramatic but it is what it is. We eat a lot of cake in my department. Seriously, it’s almost a weekly thing. I think I’ve only eaten it twice but there is a lot of cake. The other day it was again a reason for cake and the “funny” ones were eating cake while discussing how they shouldn’t. In the middle of this conversation the “judge” told someone they were living a sedentary life and to mind what they ate. After the banter from this argument, they pass by my desk fall into their chair and say, “whew, I’m tired.” What I wanted to respond with was, “Well, passing all that judgment can wear you out!” I kept my mouth shut but drafted an email to the girl who sits next to me and is a bit Daria with me amongst our office of Ken and Barbies.

I drafted the email telling her my response with a few lines explaining my restraint. Then I remembered and glanced at the only hot pink sticky amidst the multiple yellow ones hanging around my monitors. ALWAYS ONLY ADD. If I sent this all I was doing was stirring up an us-against-them mentality which makes me exactly part of what I don’t love about this little clique. I wasn’t looking at the good, I wasn’t building relationship, I wasn’t building respect, I wasn’t Adding anything.

I don’t have to like everyone but I do have to respect everyone. People are people and I am no greater. I have to keep the right perspective of people. If I am going to love them I need to love them even when I’d rather give into the nasty in me. Sometimes giving into that meanness feels really good or is really funny, but that’s not loving people and what if I am here on purpose? I think it’s important to remember, God wants and can use us at any moment. I think I sometimes get to comfortable and familiar with God and think he can’t use any moment, any thought, or any word to change a life. Sometimes I need to remember to get out of the way. If I’m not adding I’m in the way.

I deleted the email.

Theorem C12:9

I've been really aware of God's goodness lately. Saturday was a blow my mind kind of day. All day long I was blown away by God's grace stacking on top of grace leaving me speechless, and in tears once or twice.

Grateful is a really overwhelming feeling. It’s like a hollow fullness, its expanse contradicts itself and the only word to describe it is wonderful. I roll around in its wonder. Shocked and amazed this is the life I live. I'm being trusted with more and because of the trust I see cooler stuff.

It's so vague to describe but here is where I'm steering to, it is amazing what it feels like to start to "get" some stuff. I'm starting to "get" things like grace and faith, like trust and hope and peace and joy. In starting to get them I'm starting to see how powerful it is. It is like armor. A random thought tries to infect a situation and something bigger than me takes over and starts to match it up to some stuff. If they don't match it selects the appropriate principle and viola! I understand peace.

I encourage you to keep seeking. If you are anything like me and find yourself striving for this "place" to "get" to then be encouraged to know keep seeking what you are seeking, striving will fall off and it will be replaced by the genuine article. His grace really is sufficient, who knew? I wish I could give you a theorem to plug into the circumstance of your life and poof you'd have an answer. I always liked that route, but there is no moment. All of a sudden you look up and you're standing in the midst of it and you "get" it. Its focused attention, hard work, short accounts, bent knees, and determination, but keep going. The world needs you to, you're more powerful that way and there is a lot to do. You are more powerful to fulfill your dreams when you start to accept and believe the truths over your life. I know it's tough but I promise it's better than you think it's going to be.

It's real I promise.

Trippin'

I went on my first cruise last summer. The first night they sat my friend Beth and I at a table with the strangest matched couple I've met in awhile. The man looked like an older version of Finch from American Pie, and all they kept telling us was what not to do. Needless to say the next night we requested a larger table with people more our age!

At the new table we sat with two couple from New York who were in our age group and some of the most fun people I've ever met. One thing I love about my life is the ease at which I make friends. I rarely travel anywhere and return home with out a new friend. In England I came home with 15 new friends. It was awesome, I LOVE people, but I digress.

I've stayed in touch with the couples since returning from my cruise and next weekend I am off to the Big Apple to pal around NYC with some natives - I couldn't be more excited. I am seeing my first Broadway show, visiting Central Park, and going to the top of the Empire State Building; all things new to me though this is my fourth trip to the city.

I intend to blog via my ginnyisms page on Facebook. It will be short blurbs and photos but I hope you will come with me for the weekend and we'll see what we can get ourselves into!

I'm excited about the blog. I feel like I have a fleet of people doing life with me, reading as I work out the hard stuff, but this is going to be fun and I want to take you on the grand adventures as well. I encourage you to stop thinking, worrying, stressing, and HAVE some fun!

Absorption Extended

When I extend grace, I tangibly feel the extension of grace over my own life. I used to pray in vain for God to see my heart and then show it to me. I just recently got to a place where I trust my own heart. I don't hear the lies too much anymore trying to sway me from my performance-based relationship with God. Now I know my heart is all in. I am fully convinced and though it took me what seems like forever to get here – here I am. Fully aware this season of expansion holds within it the next seed of contraction. It doesn't matter though. No matter what comes in life I'm fully convinced. I dreamed of getting to this place and trust me I'm not arrived by any means but I am confident in my relationship with Christ and satisfied with knowing I'm always going to be growing.

Some how by seeing my own heart it has helped me see the heart of others. I had a situation this week where I was motivated by what I saw in the heart of another rather than what was coming out of the mouth, but I was angry. I learned through it a couple of things. I thought about all the dumb stuff I do. I do a LOT. I thought about each time I laughed at something I shouldn't, had a petty girl moment, or just failed to give my best at any given moment. Sure, there are things in my life God would have reason to get angry with me, I'm his kid, it's what kids do. Somehow the cross absorbs the anger. If the cross can absorb the anger of GOD how much more can it absorb my own? By looking at the heart of this situation I somehow filtered it through the cross which changed my perspective.

I can march around singing LOVE PEOPLE passing out free hugs all I want, but if I'm not putting it into practice when it's hard to love them what good am I? I say dumb stuff all the time. I hurt feelings, embarrass, and wound. I'm human and I have a strong tongue. I eat a lot of humble pie and thankfully as I grow, I don't have to eat as much. I do know what it's like though, and I remember the grace extended to me. How in the world could I ever be too "grown" to not have to extend grace? It's humbling for me to think about honestly. I don't deserve it and yet, I swim in it. I'm no better than anyone else and who am I to deny someone to swim with me? I learned a lot about the grace over my own life by making a choice to extend it someone else. It changed my heart. It's a powerful revelation – grace…and I bet it's deeper still.

Double Dog Dare

It's been a pretty incredible week. It's been a pretty incredible month to be honest. I am having so much fun! I'm not sure where I decided I was on a mission of fun but fun I am having and continue to chase.

Life is tough and I work through my crap but somehow I think God just teaches you to put it all together. He's faithful when it's hard but he's gracious when it's lovely too. He's bringing salvations around me, he's giving me more and more friends, he's building my character and somehow in the midst of the fun a lot of stuff is breaking off as well. I'm comfortable walking in who I am. It's as if I found my stride of who I am and as long as I stay grounded in that truth I live in a freedom I never understood before.

I think it makes people want to be around me more too. I knew the hard part was worth it, there would be sweet breakthrough, but I love how it's always more than you expect or dream. I love how it feels differently than you can imagine. I love how God always exceeds my expectations and builds his will in my life and fruit bears in the hard and the easy.

Have fun this weekend. Laugh till you cry, dance in a circle, do something crazy, and laugh a bit more, When the weekend comes to an end and you prepare for your week remember to thank God. Let your fun be your full worship because he said he came to give life abundantly right? So live abundantly this weekend.

I dare you!

Destruction of Town

My friend Josh had a birthday and we threw him a party. They've had this picture hanging in their kitchen that is the ugliest picture I've ever seen and I hate this thing.

After the party we were standing in the kitchen discussing the need for a redecoration of the walls when Josh decided in honor of his birthday we needed to destroy it and I should have the honors. I was so excited.

"Ginny, what instrument of destruction would you like to use on this?" he asked me.

"Hmmmmmm, Nick's head." I answered in jest.

The next thing I knew I'm standing on the back porch and this is what ensues!

Pivot

When I worked at my other job, the one I was wanting out of so badly, I would pray in the morning on the way in. Every morning as I drove to work I gave my day to God, asking him to bless it and bring him praise, because when I lived in Nashville I learned how to really worship. Somehow the experience there taught me my whole life is an act of worship. If it's all his anyhow the minimum I can do is give it back to him. As with many ideas about God and how he works, there are many themes I find fascinating, including this one, and how they can swirl deeply within me making no sense to me in a way I perfectly understand.

Since I have been working at the new job I have gotten a bit quieter. I drive to work and think about nothing really, I drive home doing the same thing. I use my brain extensively at work, my job before was mind-numbing. I love the challenge but there has been an adjustment to say the least.

This morning as I drove to work I all of a sudden prayed for my day. I thanked God for it, and gave it to him. I prayed for blessing and favor, for Jesus to be relevant and radiant through me. I can’t remember when I prayed that prayer last but I know this prayer was the turning point in my day.

A couple of weeks ago there was a conflict at work, nothing to speak of but an area of growth and opportunity for me for sure. I applied the changes to what needed to happen and today there was acknowledgement and breakthrough. It was nice to be in an environment where you are appreciated and thanked. I'm not used to that in an office environment. Blessing number one.

Then while on lunch I was scrolling through twitter and was tagged in a tweet talking about ginnysims, and it was the most wonderful tweet. The whole reason I write is to highlight God and his goodness moving within us. Maybe along the way, help someone notice the areas his goodness is moving in their own life, too. I also just like knowing I'm not the only one. Knowing you aren't alone makes things a hell of a lot easier. So since I know I respond to likeness I believe others do as well.

The beautiful part for me was: Sure, it was awesome to have someone say something nice about my writing, but it was more awesome to hear them say they connect to it and was refreshed. The idea of knowing by just putting myself out there in raw truth, God breaths on it and uses it to connect and refresh people is awesome! Only God can do that, make no mistake my writing is not that good. That he would find something favorable to the point of use is beyond words and I am beyond grateful. Blessing number two.

I believe this whole day has been framed by my one prayer this morning. Even in writing I was struggling getting the right piece to put up on the blog last night and by getting back to my everyday God blessed it and poof, a piece to post! I used to hate the everyday. It was so boring. But now it's consistent every-days joining together, revealing life-changing encouraging power to other people's every-days.

I didn't think I wanted to admit this before, but I can now see there is power in the everyday. Specifically, in MY everyday – so why can't my everyday be power enough to change the world? Well, at least my part of it?

Good thing blogs are on the WORLD WIDE web...you never know one day soon God could just blow on this little blog and everything will change!

Hermatidrosis

I'm standing in the garden. He's bent double on his knees and from a distance I can see sweat dripping off his forehead as I hear the faintest cry. He gets up and leaves and from a distance I see him arrested. I walk over to where he was and I stand over the drops of sweat that have fallen to the ground. I bend closer and realize it's not sweat; it's blood.

I can't stop thinking about the garden.

I'm standing in a police square. He's bound, being shouted at and all I can hear are the loud cracks of a whip and the tearing of flesh. I don't understand what is going on.

I'm standing on a hill and men are nailing that man to a cross. As the hammer falls I turn my eyes away and realize I am bound in chains firmly rooted deeply in the ground and can't get up. It's as if my arms and legs are buried in the ground and all I can move is my head. When I look up they've hoisted a cross with him nailed to it; as it slams into place he finds his breath, looks up, and locks his eyes on mine.

He hangs there, never taking his eyes off of mine and all I do is blink. He’s hanging from a cross and all I do is sit in my chains watching, and despite my inactivity he still hangs there. I wonder if as he looked at me he saw me now, from this moment, standing in church with my arms raised singing until my lungs give out. Does he see me with my hands raised singing, "Holy are you God, Holy is your name?" I wonder if I helped motivate him to stay on that cross?

I’m standing in my now. My chains are broken and I move freely, but I can’t stop thinking about the garden, I can’t stop hearing the whip, and I can’t stop seeing the cross. It has changed the way I see everything. It has changed the way I see people and the way I see myself. It changed everything because He sees me.

I don’t know if the foreknowledge of my freedom helped keep him on the cross but I know it shows me someone motivated by love. I want to be a person motivated by love. The love from the son hanging on the cross motivates me to love people better. I pray I never forget the garden, I pray I always remember the sound of the whip, and I always want to keep a fresh revelation of Jesus hanging on the cross. Because with out it I am nothing but a bound emotionless broken person who can’t see beyond my own chains.

By living in the freedom of the release from the chains I am able to see people better, to always remember I was once bound as well and only the love of a savior set me free. His love motivates me to keep those things in the fore front of my mind so I might love people better; to encourage them to love others setting off a chain reaction of life-changing, hope building, determined people motivated by love.

EFC and a Song...

On Friday I went to my first live action fight. Whew Lord, the anxiety! But oddly enough I ended up having so much fun. In the beginning they started it with the Star Spangled Banner. The flag was on the screens and we all stood with our hand over our hearts.

It reminded me when I was a kid living in Jacksonville, Florida. My grandmother, whom we called Nana, was visiting and she and my mother took my little brother and me to see the Rescuers at the movie theater. It was during the time when they still played the National Anthem at the beginning of a movie. I don't remember much as I was maybe 6 or 7 but what I do remember is being in the large dark theater next to my Nana as she stood alone with her hand over heart in the middle of the theater and proudly sang along.

My grandmother passed away in April, but on Friday as I stood with my hand over my heart and remembered her in the theater in Jacksonville, I was so proud of her. I was proud to be her granddaughter. I love her heritage she passed down, she was a woman of high integrity and it is in the moments I remember things about her character I notice what she deposited in me. I feel as if she would be humbled and proud to know who I am today and how much she's shaped my life.

Next time you stand for the National Anthem maybe you'll think of Virginia Palmes, my Nana who for sure is standing with you, singing along making sure she's hitting the high note.

MBTI

When I started working at my new job I not only had to fill out the normal paperwork for the government but I also filled out a personality test called Myers-Briggs. My friend Angie has talked to me about it before so I was familiar but I had never taken it.

On our intranet all employees are listed with a photo providing directory type information along with your personality type; which you can click on to get the description.

It's fascinating really I don't know why...maybe because people intrigue me. I found out I am an ENFP which means:

Words to describe the ENFP do not come easy because of their seeming complexity. Like a flash flood their interest, enthusiasm and energy can flow (maybe a better word is explode) into life situations. Representing five percent (5%) of the general population they see life as an exciting drama, and always in term of possibilities. Their enthusiasm can be overwhelming and they usually have great impact on others. So energizing are they that others will continue to follow long after the force that moved them is now channeled into other things. Because “Perception” is dominant it is called perceptive energy – the ability of this type to “see” possibilities in the external world, and in people, and to believe it is original with them. Suddenly they feel a mission and with that there is a charge of emotional energy to set that “mission” in motion.

Keen and penetrating observers the ENFP can concentrate great energy on a single focus, so much so it can be physically detrimental to them. They enjoy the process of creating something whether ideas or projects, but are not too much interested in the follow through.

Characteristically optimistic, this type is marked with a fierce independence, disliking subordination themselves and strongly believing in autonomy for all.

A natural leader, the ENFP works best in situations where he or she is boss or working as an independent contractor. Concerned with people and skillful at handling them the ENFP does best where new people and new situations demand fresh approaches and will allow the spontaneous energy application the ENFP is prone to employ.

The biggest problems faced by the ENFP are their dislike of routine and their tendency to make mistakes in judgment. They will tend to lose interest once problems have been solved. Self-discipline is necessary to prevent wasted time and failure to complete what is started.

Mistakes can arise as a result of focusing on data that confirms their own biases. The way they “saw” it may have been correct, but to their own discomfort their conclusion could be wrong.

It's surprising how accurate it is. Those psychologist, they're pretty smart.

Bricks in the Bridge

My friend Dave is my book buddy. I appreciate my friendship with Dave because he is passionate about literature, ideas, and how we put the words together when we discuss both. I love that about him. There are only a handful of people in my life who love books and the deeper ideas when we parse poetry and imagery as much as I do. He is one of my great fans with my writing as well. He not only reads them but he responds to the ideas I spin out on paper and I love knowing where he connected with it. After reading my blog last night he told me he thought I had more to say on the idea of incompleteness. He felt there is more for me to get out. Dave has been my friend a long time; he’s known some of the big things I’ve worked out. I would consider his opinion fairly accurate.

In true Dave fashion he sent me the following scripture to go along with my 'man feels his emptiness' ideas:

7In the days of His flesh [Jesus] offered up definite, special petitions [for that which He not only wanted [a]but needed] and supplications with strong crying and tears to Him Who was [always] able to save Him [out] from death, and He was heard because of His reverence toward God [His godly fear, His piety, [b] in that He shrank from the horrors of separation from the bright presence of the Father]. (Hebrews 5:7 Amplified)

This is deep scripture for me when coupled with the previous post, but I’m still unpacking it. The part I did get immediately was this: Jesus had to fully become human. Humanity is fully separated from God. My initial thought is Jesus had never been separated from the fellowship of the Father ever. He knew what separation was going to feel like. Perhaps we just have gotten used to it? The deep emptiness we feel, Jesus knew he would have to endure the emptiness as well. I wonder if we just have no earthly idea of what fullness means? We as descendants of Adam are so removed we have no concept of what it was like to be in the fullness of God’s presence. Once separated we knew no more fullness - Jesus had to fulfill the fully human part which was becoming sin, separating him from the father, so that we may know fullness.

It’s an identifiable revelation. I understand the power of the cross a bit more. It’s intense though, the power of the cross. I am humbled to think of the times I have prayed, God this is hard did Jesus really have to go through this part? But somewhere he did. He had to make the hard choice too. He had to pray and seek God for the strength to move forward in what he was made to do. He had to die to what he wanted and to think all that was just for us…puts my sacrifices into a much better perspective to be honest with you.

Life is hard. We balance so many things externally and sort so many things internally. Where is there a rewiring needed in you? I know it hurts but let it rewire. It’s worth it. Imagine if Jesus decided not to do his? Where would any of us be then?

Bridging the Gap

Man feels his emptiness. I wonder why that rings in me. It’s hanging on a sticky from my monitor. It’s not necessarily an encouraging statement, but some how it is. Maybe because it identifies something in me I haven’t known what to call before. I wonder if you have to get used to the ache of knowing you live in a broken place, never fully satisfied because you are separated from the one who made you.

It’s an interesting thought though, Man feels his emptiness. I sure do. I always have. I don’t know how to explain it, but inside there has always been something aching for something deeper. I sought in vain knowing there was something tangible about Jesus, but I felt as though I would never get there. Somehow he never relented and at 24 I finally realized what I was looking for. I am thankful for the revelation, thankful it’s me, thankful for understanding Jesus named things like emptiness within me. Emptiness is hard to describe with words, it’s just empty.

I like when things have a name. That emptiness would have an identifiable definition within my soul is comforting. I find comfort in the understanding of how and why I am how I am. It lets me know I’m not crazy and not alone. Humans are funny. As much as we struggle for individuality and to stand out in a crowd, we also desperately long to fit in and know we aren’t the only ones. Isolation is a far greater fear, for me isolation is the tangible form of emptiness. By understanding isolation I better understand emptiness. It’s the separation I feel, but the truth is there is a bridge in the gap. I allowed the gap to be bridged when I understood the sacrifice of the cross for me and in the single act of Jesus, I forever have a hope. I know one day the emptiness will be filled with the fullness of God and I have a brief time of separation.

I think looking at the words, Man feels his emptiness, allows me permission to identify it. I haven’t figured it out yet but for some reason as I learn to identify the feelings I have I can handle them better. As I give the feeling a name, like emptiness, I can compartmentalize the emotion and tell it the truth. I know it’s hard but I can control my emotions. They are valid and important, but knowing what they are allows me freedom to speak directly to it.

I appreciate growing. I am thankful for revelation. I like how words can hang from my monitor for weeks at a time just to help me identify something with in me; which then in turn allows me to hand it over to Jesus and renew my thoughts on how I feel. It replaces emptiness with fullness and fullness is why he came.

Good with Good

I was legitimately ill for the better part of last week. I didn't go to church, I missed some work and still have the lingering seal bark cough. I haven't been quite so sick in some time. I went to the doctor and they even made me wear a mask. I'm not kidding. Take a look!



I mean really? Was this necessary? I'm fine and on the mend, but what I find interesting is how it has sort of jump started something new for me. I feel like the last few months have been this emotional roller coaster with so much change and challenge. Now since coming out of my "days of recovery" I feel better inside too. I feel recharged emotionally. Things have laid down, something's been changed and I finally feel like I have caught my footing in this transition of growth. Learning to stretch your capacity can really start to bend your knees; you've got to readjust your footing.

I feel like I'm finding my footing. At least for now. I know there is more to come. I never will stop growing, life will continue to be challenging, but for this growth spurt I seem to have adjusted to the weight and things are good.

I appreciate status quo. There is something within me that finds these bits of respite to be so peaceful. Joe's preaching tonight encouraged me by reminding me about peace. The comfort of peace and things to cultivate peace. I am grateful for grace and appreciate peace. I'm also thankful for nights like tonight, where there's not much to write about just a good night.

Made new friends tonight, saw people get saved, smiled a lot, was told I looked pretty, got to chat with the hottest guy I know for a second, yep it was a good day.

Thankful
Full
Blessed

Algebra

As I left church last Sunday morning I came to a light with a homeless couple who are often by my house holding a sign reading, “Lost Home, Have kids, Need money for hotel.” I was pulling into the inside left turn lane creeping up along a long line of cars in the right, as the man started crossing the lane in front of me to a car to my right. The woman had her hand out and as she passed some money she held his hand while speaking to him. I glanced at the bill and noticed it wasn’t a dollar or two they were clasping together, but a $20 bill. She let go and he passed back in front and as I came even with her window I realized it was a single mom from my church.

I don’t know her well at all and only really know her by name and face. I couldn’t even tell you who her kids are, though with me, that’s not really saying much. She and I have quite a few mutual friends and through the grapevine I have heard at some point not too long ago her house burned down. To stack circumstance against her she lost her car some how followed by her job. Since then I have also heard recently she has obtained a new job, a real blessing of a job, and she was able to obtain a car. Rolling to a stop I put my window down and said, “Well done.”

She looked over at me, “it’s what we’re called to do right?”

We finished our brief conversation and I put my window back up. The light changed and we stated to move, further up the road I pull in behind her and notice she has a table fan fastened to her dashboard for days when we are having triple digit weather. I thought to myself, there is a woman who has seen some stuff.

Think about it. Knowing these circumstances, $20 seems like LOADS of money to give away, I’ve never thought to give a homeless family $20. I’ll give a couple of bucks but never have I been compelled to give that much away from the window of my car. My heart is lacking abundance in the moment. I see the single mom as a hero. I have learned in my brief time with the Lord, trust is not something that comes for free. Somehow I had to earn it. I don’t know how to explain it, how do I have to earn my ability to trusting God? It’s one of those things where he confounds our logic and one-and-one doesn’t make two. Trusting God is not just a gifting, it’s something to earn. It comes from really walking through some hard stuff and still standing. When nothing makes sense and all seems overwhelming you stand and trust God has this! Her actions were evidence to this kind of trust working in her life.

Every time I look at the single mom now I see such a woman of abundance. It flowed from her. Even as she looked at me and said, “It’s what we’re called to do right?” She didn’t know who was watching and she did it anyway.

I had one of those really amazing phone calls with Angie, the single mom I wrote about earlier, last night. We were on the phone for hours stirring up our faith and sharing what God was stirring up within each of us. She called me to pray for a girl in our cell group together. As she talked to me about the girl she’s really invested her love on-I thought of Megan. I thought of how passionate about her I am. How much I see the vision of God over her life. As Angie talked to me about the girl I thought about all of us. About how if we all just got passionate about one person in our life, one person that needs to be loved. No matter who you are, or where your life is, there is always at least one person in your immediate world who is screaming on the inside to be loved. Imagine if we all got really passionate about someone, someone other than yourself, and someone other than a romantic partner?

Opportunity is all around us, if we only take the time to look.

Imagine the chain reaction. We could change a generation. You and me and the focus of others, breeding passion to the next, as one by one each finds their place and love is what remains. That’s a BIG picture! Come help me paint it!

La La La

To encourage you: you can do it. Keep focused, keep fighting, remind yourself you are loved, depend on grace, encourage, and smile.

You're Awesome. I believe in you and in the words of Dori from Finding Nemo, "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming."

Don't forget to take in the view.

For Will Chappell

My new car, Barbie, is settling in ok. She's a bit hippy and rattles some but she's smooth and is doing me right so far. She has this piece of rubber going around the windshield, I learned day two of our uniting it is loose and smacks loudly on the roof. It's an unnerving racket. I don't do well with irritating sound. I get that from my dad. Sometimes, when I breathe he'll ask, "Ginny, you need to breathe like that?" He makes me laugh. I can appreciate it now as there are noises like smacking, rattles or shakes, or repetitive banging that drive me nuts!

My dad helped me out yesterday to get that to stop! Praise the Lord! I have breakfast with my parents every Sunday after church, after breakfast yesterday Dad got in my car and we went to the auto parts store to get adhesive for this rubber thing. The radio doesn't go on when my dad is in the car. It's another annoyance of just noise and I'm ok with no radio as well. It facilitates communication, and come on now; we're talking about me here. As soon as thumps started up dad sat listening for a moment, cocks his head toward me and says, "Damn, that's annoying as hell!" It is indeed, it is indeed.

Dad and I get to the auto parts store and start moseying around the different options for what we needed. My dad is very thorough in his products for car stuff. He has to read all the labels to make sure we're getting the best one for what we need.

After about my third circle of the store looking at steering wheel covers and air fresheners, the only parts that interest me in an auto store, my dad calls me over to make the final decision about our adhesive supplies. As we come to a stop in front of what we are looking for my dad bends his knees and sort of braces himself. I'm not really sure what's going on. Maybe it's how he bends down now? And then. He Farted.

A long chorus with face to match came out of that man! I don't know why I was so mortified? I guess because it was so intentional. He did not care. I glanced around.

"Dad, we're in public."

"And I had to fart." He replied simply.

I don't want to encourage this behavior, at least when I am around him, but he made me laugh. He didn't care and there really wasn't anyone around. He wasn't intending to be rude, he was being my dad who needed to fart and you gotta do what you gotta do.

Oh dad. I guess when you're kids are grown and your hair is gray, you've worked hard your whole life and are about to retire, you feel entitled to do as you please.

Ha ha I love my dad.

Call yours; he really does want to hear from you.

Unpacking

It has been a tumultuous few months with worth issues. Thanks to the blog I can tell you I received the revelation of my “worth and significance” issues on May 1. I talk about meeting with a friend in the post Faith Walks, and that is when I got the revelation. It’s been three months of working this out. God bless my friends who patiently help me unpack the layers of this revelation. It’s so dang big. It is layer upon crusty layer of fermented issue upon fermented issue. Each one keeps showing the same core problem but gosh almighty is it almost over?

Judah Smith encouraged me with his preaching on being in the “Meantime” and meantime is where I am. I was encouraged as well because I seem to be right on track but I’m a bit seasick to be honest. Tonight was the end of conference and as I said on Monday, my world is definitely larger, and a greater revelation of God has unfolded before me. I got so much vision and purpose and truth. I’m so excited for the coming months. I have no idea what is in store, but everything is right on time. I feel the Holy Momentum rolling through my life and as each layer is peeled back it adds fuel to the flame encouraging me for soon coming speed; like rocket boosters reaching point of take off.

I have known all along the revelation and answers to the worth and significance duo had to come from God himself! The Shun Amite lady (2 Kings 4) told Elisha she would not leave until he came back with her, she would accept no substitute. I am there. I have drawn my line in the sand and said I will not accept a temporary appeasement to make me feel better. I am getting the root of this sucker because honestly it deeply affects my spirit, the deepest pieces of me and leaves me lonely, afraid, and sick.

When I have a lot on my mind or a heavy heart I take a drive. Sometimes I go get lost some places, listen to music, talk to God, and sort my thoughts. I went for a drive tonight. I’m tired of being bogged down in this area of worth and significance. I’m tired of talking about it, sorting it, questioning it, surrendering it. I’m tired of being an EMOTIONAL basket case! I’m ready for my breakthrough. I’m ready to get to the other side already.

On my drive tonight I started telling myself out loud the things I wanted. I wanted to be picked; to be chosen, to be someone’s favorite. Somehow I couldn’t get my head around accepting the truths I remind other people about. The truth is God chose me. I have been reading it in scripture all over the place for weeks and weeks and tonight I finally spoke it out loud remembering the verses. God chose me I didn’t choose him. He picked me out of a crowd of people. He gave me wisdom, insight, and a gift of encouragement. I didn’t know to ask for those things until he put in my heart a desire to be a person of wisdom, insight, and encouragement. Somewhere he saw my heart and said, “Ah yes her heart is lovely and I can’t bear to be with out her. I pick her she’s my favorite. Let me grab my cross 'cause that one there, she’s coming with me!” In that one statement I realized I had what I wanted all along I just hadn’t accept it. It doesn’t take away the layers yet all the way but it does show evidence of progress. It shows me how to accept it, how to renew my mind, my heart, and my spirit. It’s a word of encouragement from the lord that identifies who I am, who’s I am, and who I am becoming.

It’s speaking life over a dead wound. I have no other choice. I have to keep speaking the truth over and over again, speaking to a problem head-on forces you to face it. I know it hurts but face it. Once you do it stops hurting so much, so stare it down, tell it where it stands, plant your footing, and hang on. Capacity is growing.

Compound Interest

I’m a bit listless today, really tired and not sure why. I took time to rest this weekend too. I guess I need a bit more? I wonder what is significant in dreary days like today? I’m working with the focus of quittin’ time, forcing myself to the gym today, and really looking forward to an early bed time. It’s my day’s goal to be in bed with a post up by 9:30 tonight.

I’m thinking I should shift my focus find a way to make something about today stand out. Did Jesus ever waste a day? Or are the days like today maintenance days where we are a bit run down and just need to get some rest? There’s lots’ coming this week, it’s the week of Wave Conference. We will be in church directly after work for the rest of the week after tomorrow. But the week will surely end with my life unfolding a bit more, something will have shifted in the perspective of life, and I will have grasped a greater vision of the Father’s heart. I’m encouraged and excited for it to happen. Today though, I can’t wait to get in sweats and crawl into bed and it feels like a wasted day.

Maybe, putting one foot in front of the other, pushing through wanting to quit for the day, and doing the right things are the significant part of the day? I just want to quit today and start again tomorrow but if I quit today it may affect tomorrow and that’s not my goal. So maybe when there are dreary unfocused days the lesson is in the consistency of your character. I’m going to the gym because today is the only day I can go all week, I’m going to pray and spend time with God because no matter my day I need fellowship with him, and then I am going to go to bed and thank god for the day and that the end of things are better than the beginning. Maybe those little truths in my character are where the power in the day comes from. It’s not a bad day or a wasted day it’s just a consistent day and consistency changes things powerfully. You look up from consistent one day, and things are just different.

From Rocky with Love

I have sort of a husky voice one might say; when I get tired or just wake up I have what I call “morning man voice.” One of my friends says I sound like Rocky Balboa, real flattering isn’t it? YO ADRIENNE! Today I guess I am hitting a new depth in the vocals as two of my friends on the phone said they could hear the tired in my voice. It baffles me how larger-than-life life feels right now, it’s been big things one right after another, and my tiredness exacerbates any situation. I am fairly self-aware, and I know myself well enough to know I must be a good steward of my sleep for me to effectively manage my emotions.

That being said today was a big day, and when you top that with tired for me, hold on to your socks folks it’s gonna be a bumpy ride. I have to pick a friend up really late tonight and drop them at the airport really early, effectively wiping out any decent sleep on an already exhausted day, and that’s all before work tomorrow. I was on the phone with my friend Angie, a single mom of three who is one of my heroes, and she said she would be praying for me to find some refreshment and for me to take a bit of time tonight and find some rest and refreshment. I haven’t even had to do that yet.

Circumstances of late have caused some tremors in my faith. Never not believing but a couple of times in the last two weeks I have literally had to step back and say, “God I just don’t understand this one.” You know those things where you have been praying and praying for something and things are finally starting to break through, then something comes and T-bones it scattering debris everywhere and all you can do is think but God?

It’s good I’ve spent a season figuring out to believe in the character of God. I have said it numerous times in the last couple of weeks, he is good! Tonight I heard a story of breakthrough for one of the situations and it literally refreshed my spirit. I was barely hanging on and then after the good report I was instantly refreshed and encouraged to know God hasn’t stopped working so I should not stop believing.

Here is my favorite part and basically the reason I am writing this post: My check book was lying on my bed face down. I rarely write checks but tonight I needed to use one, once having finished with it tossed it on my bed as I left the house. When I came in tonight, relishing in the hopeful breakthrough, it was laying where I had left it face down with the words, “I’m ALWAYS Here!” written on the back. It’s not my handwriting, no idea whose it is or why it would be on the back of my checks, but there it was. As if God himself has left me the note to remind me even in my doubt when I think, but God? He never stops working, he’s never left his post, and he’s always here.

I feel like I was left a romantic love note. He loves me so much he wanted to remind me I’m not alone, and tonight while I’m pooped, a bit raw, and literally on assignment for him, he’s not given me anything I can’t handle because he’s right here holding my burden as I hold his grace. Somehow, through his incomprehensible mercy he’s using me to show him and you know it’s exactly what I asked for, to be used.

There seems to be no clear cut way to end this as one idea unfolds a different layer of the depth of how God works, so I’ll end with this, to my friend in Boston: he sees your broken heart and he’s here mending as we go. To my friend in Georgia, he wants to fix the broken, be encouraged to know you’re not alone. To my friend in up state New York he provides and heals, and to my friends who are reading where ever you are, he’s here and involved and you aren’t only one.

Baby Steps

I was supposed to do my measurements at the gym next week but today I couldn't wait anymore. I could tell something was different and I wanted confirmation I wasn't seeing things.

I have lost 31.25 inches since the last week of October! Can I get a great big Heck Yeah?! I am stoked. There are a few people around me who are melting weight off them in record time and they look fantastic! I had to work out not comparing myself to them. That doesn't seem like that much when they have lost like 90 pounds! But I am very pleased.

I'm pleased because I can see a significant change in my attitude, in my thoughts, my self esteem, and my eating culture. If you are just joining us I encourage you to go back and read "Fat Kid" a few months ago. It will explain a bit for you. Where I used to eat through my emotions I am noticing as I have worked out the stuff inside it's changing everything I do. I can tell a difference in the way I am managing my emotions and the hard parts of life that scare me. Oh yes there are a few!

It's so amazing to see tangible growth. I am excited because I know this is the real thing for me. I'm not doing a diet like I used to do where I'd lose a bit then get frustrated and quit. This is baby steps to a different life. It's learning to make the tiny choices. Each little choice I make combines with the next one and together they are changing the picture of how I live my everyday.

The process is exciting for sure. I'm encouraged. Keep going! Whatever the little thing is, whether it your health, finances, or relationships. Just keep making little choices, and when you choose the lesser choice for your situation, remember for next time, but know consistancy will get you there. Somehow it becomes part of who you are and notice little by little you are starting to look different.

Exciting!

Trenches

My blog seems to have found a very transparent voice. To remain true to that voice, I have to be honest; I can't come up with anything to write about tonight. I have tons I have written tonight, but nothing I can post. As my writing is normally what is going on in my current world, there are some BIG things happening in the lives around me I just can't put up right now.

I am blessed by the people who trust me to do life with them. Life is hard. It's hard core, in-your-face, screaming mean sometimes. I find it doesn't have much rhyme or reason from time to time, and shell shocked I stand in debris waiting for God to start the process of restoration. I'm not standing in this blast zone of a personal encounter, but I am standing next to a friend, I have been, the last few weeks. Big, life changing, powerful stuff my girls have had to endure. Women are powerful things. We carry such weight with such grace. Even at it's rawest of emotion we move with grace and beauty.

When I know these things with my friends I am often quiet in writing, stick around long enough and you'll learn quickly if you are my friend you will probably end up in my writing one day. I write best when it's my own experience, however. I think I'm a lame fiction writer because the only character I know how to develop is my own, and that's a full time job!

So in an effort to make sure I write, but from my own experience: I am humbled and deeply honored I am able to be trusted to carry some of the hardest things I can imagine a woman carrying. I pray I never get used to the power of someone else’s experience in my life. I am humbled to get to do life with these women who shape my everyday. I don't understand everything, and I don't need too, their situations leave imprints on my soul as well and I have to find my own answers in a highly circumstantial and subjective world. Despite the situation though, there is something in the power of their circumstances that shows life as extraordinary; the resilience of a woman's heart, the strength of her spirit, and sisterhood. My girls are my sisters and I can't do life with out them. Tonight I want to kick the crap out of life and tell it to leave my girls the hell alone, but all that's gonna do is leave me looking crazy. What I can do is encourage you to think of who you're doing life with.

There is such beauty through the debris. As the dust settles I see my friends still standing and not only are they still standing but I'm standing with them. Of all the people in all the world I get to be the one who goes along with them. I hope your life is as full as mine is. I pray you are walking some hard yards with someone so they aren't alone in the battle. And to the few that I am writing this about tonight I love you, I'm committed to you, and tomorrow will be better. We press into hope together tonight.

tis whadit tis

I’m really just writing to write tonight. I determined if I am going to hit these goals of mine then I need to be showing up to write like I’m getting paid for it. So here I am with a blank screen and not much else.

Today was a day of encouragement. I had to ask for it today. I was dealing with some super sensitive issues and God in all his sweetness to me showed up. A lot. I was in a text frenzy with my girl Rachael, emailing sporadically with my Pattee, and talking on the phone with Megan. Today I had to ask for encouragement. I’m sort of proud of myself for asking. Pattee used to tell me all the time I didn’t need to do it all on my own and it’s ok if I have a discouraged day to ask for help. She taught me that, and I learned it. My girls are awesome, but God was just funny. Facebook and Twitter for all the grief it gets pulled me from the trenches today.

One person’s status on Facebook gave the scripture Isaiah 41:9-10 which is now hanging from my monitor, it told me I was chosen. It says, “I have chosen you and I will not throw you away.” It actually uses the word discouraged in the text! Then someone twittered something Carl Lentz said in a message I remember sitting in, which said, “your season is not what you think it is, there’s more going on than you know.” I remember being encouraged by that when I heard it. Then a bit later back to Facebook and someone else’s status read, “you are WORTH it.” Then another’s twitter gave the same verse over.

I told Rachael and she replied it was God’s way of letting me know that he’s involved and he’s with me today. It was one of those supernatural realizations for me when I read her text. It gave me freedom to really let go and not try to understand anything. This morning I woke up feeling the heaviness of discouragement immediately. It was purposed steps to get myself to work this morning, but I understood my steps are ordered by the Lord so nothing more to do than look up and put one foot in front of the other.

Today I stood, stood for grace and mercy, dependant on its strength to help me put one foot in front of the other. This morning I thought it was a breakdown, but tonight after church, after the girl from work coming and giving her life to Jesus, and after the word I realize it was breakthrough.

Breakthrough to tomorrow, breakthrough to more of my character, breakthrough to more of the character of God; there’s beauty in the breakdown and power in the breakthrough.

I’m glad today’s over though. Sleep will do me well and tomorrow will be grand!


Oh I have a page for the blog on Facebook now. gin paynter's ginnyisms come hang out with us!

Fleet of People

My mom said when I got this job I would have tired shoulders from all the people going in with me on my first day in spirit. She was right. The day I got the job, between text, instant messages, email, and phone I probably had to tell 60 people. As each new thing has come to pass, from my own direct line at my desk, title, and my first paycheck I’ve had a fleet of people to tell.

It is interesting to me I have been struggling so deeply with worth and value. I really came to the revelation deep down there are some areas that do not believe what I thought they believed. I guess I have always been working out this feeling by trying to be good enough. I’m thankful for the people who really love me and aren’t afraid to show me this area of weakness which God was raising up to let me let him fill. It has been like a love recovery. To recover the areas of my heart that feels unlovable. I’m learning to make them lovable, I have to open them up to be loved, to allow the love and not tell it no. I know I sound sort of like a hippie all this love talk, but maybe the hippies had it right. All you need is love, right? For God so loved, Jesus loved, it’s changed the world that love. Lainie told me I was talking myself right out of receiving it. Annoying to have to hear when I guess I wanted to wallow a bit, but she was right. It’s my choice to believe if I am lovable or not. Pattee keeps listening to the same story every other day. Listening to me work out the lowest parts of the secrets I’m acknowledging. She even told me tonight, this is where life gets real. She’s stealing my lines, that one she is, and using them on me!

I know God loves me because he chose me. He didn’t have to, but he did. I don’t really know where I’m going with this today. I guess I want to encourage you. I want you to know that whatever inside you're working out, you aren’t the only one doing it. I want to encourage you not to give up. Whatever it is you are working through, letting go, picking up, or putting down, I am too and you aren’t the only one. I want to encourage you to know it’s gonna be worth it. I know this because I know God’s character which is innately good and perfect. I want to remind you he says he has good plans for you, he’s seeking to prosper and fulfill your ache, who else is saying that about you? I want you to know I’m working out my own crap too, it’s ugly and messy, super unflattering, and so vulnerable, but I need you to hold and push through because your next breakthrough could just be the cause that effects mine!

I guess I want to remind you, we’re all in this together. I have 60 people I have to tell whenever something major in my world shifts, they do life with me. Now you do life with me.

Thanks for coming. It’s less lonely with you here.

Tailored

I heard a preaching by Rick Godwin seven or eight years ago about our destiny and who we are made to be. I remember him talking about a tailored suit being worn by someone else. He spoke on how a perfectly tailored men’s suit is a good feeling. As I am a woman with no desire to wear a perfectly tailored men’s suit I related more to the second image; the design of a stealth bomber is designed to perform a specific function, so specific it doesn’t work if used as something else.

It was a life altering revelation, years later I still remember the image of a stealth bomber designed to fly through your bedroom window and drop a bomb between your eyes. It’s that specific. I’ve remembered and reflected on the suit analogy but I always came back to the bomber. I could understand the specific purpose in design but I couldn’t understand the comfort of a perfectly tailored men’s suit.

I could understand the bomber analogy and relate it to my life, because I understood I was designed for a specific purpose. I’ve always known that. Since I was a little girl there has always been something so much bigger in me longing for something so much more. It is still very much alive within me, actually so is the little girl. The men’s suit analogy was lost on me however, not because I was a woman and didn’t understand a suit’s fit; but because I didn’t understand the specific purpose. Not knowing that purpose caused me to try on a lot of different suites, which frankly just didn’t fit.

I understand it now somehow. Though I’ve still never worn a man’s perfectly tailored suit, I understand about wearing something fitted. It’s more comfortable. My purpose has always been just to be me, who I am and be comfortable in that. I was reading the amazing feedback I have received from the Chapters pieces, thinking about how I resisted writing so much before, and for what? Because I thought something was supposed to look a certain way? Because I thought I had to BE a certain way? I thought to myself, how comfortable it is, wearing your own skin even though most of this isn’t the way I thought it was going to be or how it would unfold but it is so comfortable. Being me.

Being ok with being me.

It’s a good fit and I think I wear it pretty well.

Chapters 2

Certain laws of the universe govern our lives. The Law of gravity governs our ability to fly, the law of sowing and reaping governs our harvest, and the law of cause and effect changes each day by the decisions we make. Just as these laws govern our universe and keep things aligned and rotating, there is a law in my life which keeps me in an ever constant state of flux. Please don’t misunderstand, I am not complaining by any means, it’s more my way of understanding God has a sense of humor. He fluxes my world and everything shifts.

I have the new job and now, I am moving! That’s right, out of my gorgeous ice cream pink room! It’s been a year and what a year has it been. I think Pattee and I are both different people having lived together, but now things are shifting, the direction of life is changing the current and I am moving out. The circumstances are good and Pattee and I are both very excited about our transitions.

I didn’t know I was moving however, until last Wednesday, this point important because I am now probably moving with in weeks to make the first of the month. There are lots of circumstances leading to this quick paced move which frankly aren’t important. What is important is there is a lot of shifting and at a ridiculous rate of speed! I’m a bit shell shocked; new job, new car, and now new house! I’m excited because I am living in my brother’s house he owns here. He lives out of town and this will help us both out, plus I get to be the head of my own home for a season. I’ve never had that before. I am very excited about this endeavor.

It scares me a bit I have to admit. I am thankful. I am thankful because I really do trust God and somewhere deep inside me there is something so solidly planted in peace; it’s still cool waters keeping me calm. It’s a different place then I have ever been. I feel the momentum in my life speeding up. I feel things being removed to have newer bigger things established. And somewhere deep with that peace is something else whispering to hold on, this is what it looks like to have the desire of your hearts satisfied.

Hope is living brightly right now and it covers the emotions of sadness and worry. I have learned people like to hold on to what they know because it’s safe, even when it hurts them. We get used to what we know and let that emotion rule the fear and tell it to quiet down. I don’t want to be a person who settles out of fearing what I don’t know. Who cares what I don’t know. This is what I do know…he’s good, he’s getting better, and I’ve not even scratched the surface of how much he loves me. Knowing all that, the rest doesn’t seem all that scary.

Chapters

I've come to the conclusion life never slows down. One thing rolls into another and gives birth to a whole new season, guiding you directions you never would have thought for yourself. What I love about God however, is how it's still what you wanted. I didn’t expect the road I took, but I wanted a deeper relationship with God. I asked for more intimacy, for greater trust, and a fully surrendered heart. Ask and you will receive, what I forgot about was what it would take to get there.

I GOT A NEW JOB!!! It's wonderful and in marketing, I love it, and it fits me well. I knew this was the job for me. I worked, prayed, fasted, and prayed again for six months for this job and I got it! They picked me! It was a brilliantly awesome day when I received that call. I had called for four weeks to get the first interview, waiting four weeks until the second, and held steady for three agonizing days until I was offered the position.

Those three days were a final sprint in a two year, eight month marathon of one of the toughest seasons I've been in. God was so faithful. Monday night was the interview. It went well though I didn't leave as confidently knowing I was in competition with one other who had industry experience. Oh well, that's ok, we knew that going into it! Monday night was easy, Tuesday proved itself to be one of the hardest days I may have ever had to endure. I hated where I was and time literally was crawling backward, People were asking if I had heard yet, my friends that I normally share my day with where busy so I was hanging solo and sour on Tuesday. Tuesday I reminded myself every four and a half minutes that God is not a man so he does not lie. He is not human so he can not change his mind. I said that over and over. The rest of the verse continues to say, has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and failed to carry through? I knew what I had heard and I chose to remember those words instead of the ones like doubt, uncertainty, and anxiety. I used other scripture to fight those words and so on and so forth.

Wednesday wasn't as hard as Tuesday, but it came with its own challenges. I was much more at peace this day. Whenever my mind tried to take me somewhere else my inside would tell me to be still and know that he is god. In doing that I remembered he was not a man, he could not lie, his character has always proven itself to be good, and I chose to believe in those truths than the lies that wanted to try and take ground. I was quiet, I rested in this place, and God's sweetness held me gently that day. Thursday I knew I would hear either way. It was the day and I was waiting.

At 9:13 my cell phone started to ring, the caller id revealing the companies phone number. I had called after this job so much I knew that number when it showed up. I was about to find out. I answered the phone with the slightest bracing to bad news that never came. I remember him offering the job, accepting, asking about my start date, and giving him my email address. That's it. There was more but I don't remember. I got off the phone stood up and whispered in the most excited whisper you can imagine to my coworker, "I GOT THE JOB!"

I said that sentence for the next three days. It Was AWESOME! I had daydreamed of that moment and the one of me giving my notice over and over again for months and to stand in those moments was so freaking great. It really was.

The best part was knowing I was faithful. I was able to say I was faithful and this is sweet reward. It is hard to explain. To know I didn't do it perfectly and there were some ugly ugly days, but I never stopped believing God. I chose to believe his word and trust his character and no matter how many times I failed, I dusted off and believed again. I finally got it. The place of knowing with out condemnation I trust God deeply and intimately encourages me to go further than I have before. It's been my tangible manifestation of the words that say: I will go from strength to strength, from glory to glory, all the while on the ever winding upward road to heaven, inviting others along on the journey.

Despite how deep you've gone, he's deeper still, and his wells are overflowing and looking to carry you down rapids that look overwhelming, but steady and consistently he’s already braved them. So just hold on it. It gets better and better. I promise.

Finishing Well

My family gathered under umbrellas and a tent yesterday, and bid farewell to my grandmother who passed at the age of 95 last month. Her ashes were interred next to my grandfather in New Ipswich, New Hampshire, while the rain poured down as it has at every family funeral to date. It was a beautiful memorial where we laughed through tears and mourned our loss of someone who so deeply impacted our lives.

My mother lovingly took time to put together a memorial table at the reception to remember Virginia Emerson Palmes, the opera singer, the college graduate, mother of three, and fiercely devoted wife, with pictures of our family, a scrapbook of her life, and random scribblings and poetry my grandmother had collected along the way. As I sat at the table and went through the papers I came across a credo written by her when she was 83. My grandmother’s mind was stolen from her, inevitably stealing her from us, some 15 years ago by Alzheimer’s. She was in the earlier stages at 83 and as I read her credo for her future I learned my grandmother was a visionary. She was humble and seeking to be more merciful, more gracious, and more loving. Nowhere in the credo was there mention of her illness, never a voice of defeat or surrender; just a teachable spirit that longed to love more and finish well. She never gave in and she never gave up.

I was so impressed by her spirit to live well, to love well, and to finish well. She was 83 and she was still casting vision for the character she longed to have more of. I thought I was blessed because I loved her so much. I thought I was blessed because she loved me so much. I am more blessed because even in her passing she is teaching me about grace and mercy, about life and love, about character, and about being a woman of vision and high caliber.

I hope I continue to learn more things about her as I grow that will surprise me. I pray when I am 83 I am not waiting to die but excited and casting vision for the next season in my life. They say you can’t pick your family, and I am sure in some areas it’s a very true statement, where my Nana is involved though I couldn’t have picked better.

My grandmother was incredible and I pray as I pass from death into life I will finish well as she did with a generation behind me following the legacy she started.

Let's Call a Spade a Spade

Monday is cardio day. I huff and puff, turn really purple, and for some reason about half way through my work out I start looking stoned around my eyes. My trainer and I have discussed this phenomenon numerous times and we can’t figure it out. It is funny though.

Today I went back to the gym after a week off. Last week I needed some time. I needed to sort and deal and it was good. All day I was dreading the gym because frankly cardio is hard and my lapse in work outs left me fearful of cardio’s evil revenge! Cardio was dear to me tonight. I was focused, I kept up and it wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. When I need to get through a work out I don’t want to do I often think about the work out itself. I focus on the healthy part, the finished product, as I really want to know what she looks like and I am eager to see her.

This health thing isn’t just my body. It’s my mind too. I realized today in my work out I am unhealthy inside as much as I’ve been outside. As I’ve said before I emotionally eat, I don’t eat a lot but I eat really horrible things. I think I had ice cream four times last week. That’s more ice cream than I’ve had in 6 months combined. I decided I was going to start trying to identify what I am feeling when I start to eat the bad stuff. If I can identify it I can face it, give it its proper name, and move on. I think when I started this journey I just needed to be able to call a spade a spade. Six months ago I couldn’t have been this candid about it, but tonight I came to the understanding that I not only have to address the physical unhealth but there is a mental/emotional unhealth somewhere and I am using the food as the filler of a need that is not being met.

So funny to write it down and put it out there like that. It’s every fat girl’s story; I eat to fill a need. I’m just not too sure what the need is that is not being met and how food fills it…I am seeking that answer. I think it has something to do with worth. I looked worth up the other night in the dictionary, its definition is good or important enough to justify, justify means to be proven valid. Some where, I don’t feel worthy. I’m not sure where it is or why I feel that way; I'm not even sure what I am trying to feel "worthy" of but somehow all this is connected.

The revelation of it will come though. I trust the past history of God in my life, he started it, and he’ll finish it I just have to push through. Good thing his grace is sufficient. I know some people are screaming inside as they read this but don’t worry – trust me the revelation will come. Thankfully, I am well planted in the palm of the father.

In an effort to gain readers and encourage others, can you please share this on your facebook and twitter? There is a link on the right of this page to share! Thanks for your support. xoxo

Faith Walks

I have to meet with women that are further along in their faith walks than I am. Women who are in a different season and have chartered these waters I brave, helping me navigate the rapids. Sometimes I just need to sort all the stuff in my head and have someone say what is what.

Today I did that. I sat with one of the best women I know who has been a point person in pivotal moments along my upward winding heaven bound road. A lot has been going on. There have been outside circumstances mounting upon each other, all culminating at the passing of my very elderly, very wonderful grandmother to whom I was very close.

This week, as I took time to settle with the loss, I could feel the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I could tell in all the pressure there was something in it I was supposed to get. I started asking God the other day what it was. It was just too much pressure inside me for there not to be something I needed to identify or release.

Today at a coffee shop outside in the gorgeous day we were having I had some revelation to the prompting. One of the breakthroughs I had in this revelation came in the ability to painfully confess I need to feel significant and I matter. I have always felt that way since I was a little girl. I don’t ever remember a time not longing for something bigger and grander. It spurs me on to bigger dreams but causes me to miss key moments and wallow in a lie the I don't matter enough.

After this confession my faithful friend looked at me and smiled. First she affirmed me. She let me know I wasn’t crazy and I was normal. She also reminded me there are negatives to every strength, I will find the balance and it won’t last forever. She confirmed true faith walks SUCK and are painful! She also confirmed it as a weakness to work on and a good place to be.

I agree with her. This idea is unfolding and my room mate can attest to the grand scale of the entire revelation. I think she can already see it brimming with the places this breakthrough will take me and those around me.

The best part of it all though, is right before I sat down for the meeting I had a message to my phone of a facebook alert from a girl friend I’ve not spoken with in a few months. She just wanted to let me know she was thinking about me. On the way home I received a text message from Megan saying that she loved me and hoped I was having a good day. I realized I have been seeking the “significance” to be affirmed in other venues. Even today like book ends to the conversation; God reminds me I am significant by having the two women I was able to pray with in the last six months to make choices for Jesus contact me and let me know to them I matter. The first two people I’ve ever really done that with and them our time together had a life and death impact. They both chose life and God used my life to show them how to do that. I think that’s significant.

I believe God did that strategically to shift my thoughts and order them; to gain perspective and truth. My dream to live a life of significance and influence is a good God dream that honors and glorifies him, but I need to realize and recognize what he thinks as significance and what his idea of influence is.

Perspective, focus, and renewing the mind. Here is where the ordinary day meets an extraordinary God and I am already in a new wave of change.

In an effort to gain readers can you please share this on your facebook and twitter? There is a link on the right of this page to share! Thanks for your support. xoxo

If not Him then who?

My friend Megan grew up in a small town in Georgia. She has the best southern accent and sometimes her colloquialisms leave us teasing her for months. Megan is the subject of my earlier post Crazy Love As Megan, or Meggo as I have affectionately named her, works out her faith we have interesting conversations. They expand and grow us, and together we work out the great mysteries of Jesus. It's a blessing beyond measure to get to do that with her.

Megan is smart and precocious. She doesn't take things because you say so, she has to figure it out for herself. It's one of my favorite things about her. She is a wise woman who runs very deep and I believe she is going to change her part of the world. Wednesday night, once home from church, she and I were chatting online when she asked me if there were unforgiveable sins. She always brings me the easy ones! She had seen a TV preacher speaking about suicide and it being a forgivable sin, but using the Lord's name in vain was not. I explained through my experience with being a Christian God forgives us when we ask and as long as we forgive others. His grace is unmerited therefore; there isn't much we could do to forsake that love – if anything as far as I have read thus far. I also explained my interruption on the latter. The Lord's name in vain is less about the actual use of his name in common conversation and more about the misappropriation of his name to back something.

A church member walking into an abortion clinic in the name of Jesus is severely misappropriating the name of Jesus. Anyone who truly knows, believes, and follows the character of Jesus, it has never revealed anything but limitless grace and mercy to our feeble, broken humanness which tries to rip each other apart in response to our separation from the father.

I told Megan I didn't love all TV preachers and talked about interpretation. I talked about the religious leaders in Jesus day who presumed to know better the aspects of God as they interpret God as they are and not as he actually is. She responded that it was like a fairy tale, the bible was. Something you had to "swim through and come up with your own ideas of what is really being said. I struggle with that." I agreed with her. It is hard to figure it all out. There is mystery and A+B doesn't always = C. I explained the bible saying we must study it for ourselves and come to our own revelations about God and his character and that he is good.

In the end for me it came down to a choice in the midst of the doubt. Did I believe that God was real, relevant, and had his character shown itself to be good? I tried to make all the equations add up in the midst of my doubt in the beginning, but I couldn't. I just knew God's character had revealed and powerfully moved in my life in a way, though I couldn't explain it all, I couldn't deny its validity in my life either. So I chose - and in the end if it wasn't real it left me feeling even more lonely and lost. As I continued to choose God he revealed more and more about his character, who he is and how good he is. Despite everything he has great plans for me. Who else is saying that about me? Not my haters that's for sure!

Just that simple truth: I have great plans for you, changes everything. In the simple sentence there is hope, truth, life, and freedom. He stepped up for me in a way no one ever had or could ever do. He let me doubt his character and proved it even more just make sure I understood how deeply his love was for me. He showed me he is my greatest fan, my sweetest lover, and infallibly real and genuine.

If you doubt today in the character of God, know its ok and its normal. We all have to work out our doubt, but let today be the last time you let it keep you from getting to know his character even more. He wants you to understand him and live in the security he provides. Be encouraged to know your doubt solidifies his goodness and offers proof that he's doing something in you. You're growing love, be encouraged you are on track and you are not the only one. Megan will confirm it for you!

In an effort to gain readers can you please share this on your facebook and twitter? There is a link on the right of this page to share! Thanks for your support. xoxo

Nashville

Jennifer Knapp’s album Kansas was the first Christian Contemporary album I purchased then wore out. Her song "Trinity" is still one of my favorite songs. I was a huge fan of her music, going to her shows, and always getting her album straight away because they were always great from start to finish. However, after her third, she disappeared. When I lived in Nashville I lived a stones throw from her recording studio/label. Don't be fooled, Nashville is speckled with studios that are as near as your neighbor’s basement, unassumingly mixing the musical genius of the likes of Bono with the suburban life. One day I asked a friend of mine who had worked with the label for years about her whereabouts or whatever happened to her. His response, "Wouldn't we all like to know." We had a brief talk about the details from the label's perspective and moved on.

Saturday morning I got up and turned on my laptop as I do most mornings to check my email and any updates on the wonderful world of Facebook. I was scrolling through the status updates coming across an article someone had posted from CNN. The title read, "Christian Music Artist Jennifer Knapp Comes Back and Comes Out."

I opened the article from CNN and there at the top just under the title was my beloved Jennifer Knapp, looking amazing, and answering questions about her sexuality confessing she has been in a same sex relationship for the better part of 8 years. The article made reference to the reactions of the Christian community mostly stating they are sad. The article didn't polarize too much to one side or the other, just simply told the story with some input from both opinions.

I too, am sad by this announcement. Not necessarily because I won't like her music anymore. She's still a great artist and maybe I'll embrace her more with the hopes of revelation - more sad for her. I wonder about the leadership in her life and how she has bought into a lie that is robbing her of what she was created to do. She stated this about God's opinion of her choice, "'I would rather be judged before God as being an honest human being," she said. "If I am in any way unpleasing in his sight, I can only hope and pray that he gives me the opportunity to find who I am supposed to be.'" I wonder when honesty and sinning became interchangeable? I am in no way judging her, but I do know that sin is sin and when we are bound in it we are bound – no matter our position, our popularity or limelight.

I can't wait until the time that my character has been developed in a fashion that will allow me to go back to Nashville and be bolder than I ever was when I lived there. I don't know why people, and I include myself in here, feel they can pick and choose the bits of the bible they like? I have to battle all that too. I think the difference is I have great leadership that doesn't muddle the voice of God or tell me what they think I should do. They guide me in sensitivity to hear from God on my own with my own revelation. From my experience with God I would think had she really quietly sought out God’s heartbeat on this topic her choices may have been different. Whenever I am seeking answers God is ALWAYS faithful and he’s never guided me to choose something against his word.

One day I am going back to Nashville. I will speak to Christians who have been disillusioned and lost. I will encourage those that had a great dream and vision for their lives which somehow became lost in the hurt and loneliness of Nashville. One day they will remember their dream and race after their destiny. One day there will be a church that helps guide the local church of Nashville. When that day comes mighty things will unfold and Nashville will be greater, bolder, and more kingdom focused. It will be a city on a hill and it will change generations. One day!

Until that day, I'm praying for them. I am praying for leadership, for producers, for artists, and for Jennifer Knapp.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/Music/04/16/jennifer.knapp.gay/index.html?iref=allsearch

PS I am believing to gain 1000 readers this year. If you could would you mind sharing it on Facebook or Twitter? There is a button at the top right corner for an easy way to do it. Thanks for the support!