My dream has always been the same. No matter what guy I was crushing on at the time all I ever did was put his face on the man who comes behind me as I do the dishes and wraps his arms around me. The dream is always the same. The face just comes in and out of focus depending on who’s snatched my attention for the moment.
I’ve been dreaming this dream for as long as I can remember. As a little girl I was Repunzel waiting for my knight. I believed there was someone out there who longed for me as greatly as I longed for them, once our like souls met symmetry would be established. I believe it is part of the natural desire of a woman. It is actually the natural desire of humanity – to love and be loved. Not too long ago I came into an amazing revelation about said desires. Once I was able to identify these desires I was able to organize and view them as they really are. (refer to Counterfeit for earlier revelation www.ginpaynter.blogspot.com/2009/06/counterfeit.htm)I realized the deep longing within me was placed there by something that longed for me to find it as intensely as I desired its location. It was beyond me and far beyond that which any man could satisfy. It is deeper and more intimate, and its revelation provides freedom in the simple knowledge of understanding how intensely I am wanted and loved.
I went and saw Dear John tonight. The movie proved to be exactly what I was hoping for. It was a tad sappy, romantic, and it made me cry a bit. As I was driving home and contemplating the movie and my emotions, I put Addison Road’s Hope Now, on my iPod I had heard it on a preview before the movie. It was a song about faith and how “your love sets me free.” While sorting my feelings determining where I was going to go in my head, I thought of the lyrics to the song. Though the band is on a Christian label, the ambiguous lyrics could be covered by Kelly Clarkson, turning it into a ballad to be dedicated at junior high dances for years to come. As I really thought about it and thought about the longing to have a man “complete me” like in the story I realized it didn’t appeal to me. I have had a greater revelation and to entertain even the idea of something different feels like accepting counterfeit currency for the Hope Diamond. I remembered there is only one love that can complete me, leaving the freedom for a man to only compliment me.
I’m proud of that revelation. It’s a hard one for girls to get, I think. By finding the balance of contentment and the intended economy for romantic relationships it’s freed up my thought life, enforced my identity, and changed patterns of my thought process where men are involved. I’m still working it all out, but I no longer find myself feeling badly for myself as if I were missing out on something. It just feels like this is my time; my time to get to know me, to race after the dreams in my heart, my time to know God in a way I never knew him before, and my time to figure out that I have all I ever need and all I have to do is be the best me trying to be like Jesus I can be today! Nothing further than that as it will work itself out tomorrow.
It makes me feel more beautiful. I feel confident and assured that there is something amazing in my life and I was painted this way to bring out the hues of God’s Ginny shades. These only come with me and blend together with others highlighting something new. Revelation has draped itself around me and I find it fits quite comfortably.
It’s encouraging to see the blueprints of growth materialize to a different life pattern and to walk in something tangible.
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Friday, February 12, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
90%
I value wise counsel. Something in the way I am wired causes me to stay inside my head. I muddle and roll thoughts around like a rock tumbler, fleshing out ideas, desires, and revelations. The rabbit trails within my thoughts are endless and I have many a time been advised to think less and just be. I think it's what makes me a good writer.
A better portion of my "Christian" life has been spent striving toward a destination. Some part of me had bought into the distraction that life and success are a destination. I don't know where I was trying to get to, but I was going! Then a few years ago I embarked on an unbeknownst journey taking me to the destination I was always seeking. I learned it didn't matter what I did or how I planned it out, I just had to be me and the destination I vainly sought after was simply myself.
In the process of learning to release and walk confidently in who I am, I am working out certain areas, one being who I am as a woman in relation to men. I am really great at determining who I am not going to be; the learning who I am going to be is more of a challenge. In the search for the right thought process I called one of my great girlfriends yesterday on my lunch break. She has been married for many years, and I wanted to know what her identity looked like in an area in relation to her husband.
We had the most encouraging talk. We shared deep parts of us that we are working on, and now it's as if someone else is carrying the load with us. I value a friendship where it's easy, when telling the hardest, most challenging parts of our lives is opened up and freedom is released in the comfort of an open forum to share. My friendship with her is a safe zone. Everything can be laid bare, and we link arms walking on together facing it head on!
John Burns, a preacher from Canada, said only 10% of your destiny is locked within yourself; the other 90% is discovered in the relationships of your life. Ninety percent! Each person in my life who believes in my dreams, desires to see me come into all that I am made to be, and lets me cheer them on shapes my destiny and creates my character. Destiny is one thing, but character is what keeps you there when it's hard and you want to quit. Character is most greatly achieved by having the people, like my girlfriend, who will do wild and crazy things to push you to be better.
My 90% is true. The people in my life are shaping different areas as I go. I can't figure it all out on my own. They help me quiet my head and trust. They focus me on the important parts and distract me from the deeper parts to remind me to laugh and not worry about it all!
A better portion of my "Christian" life has been spent striving toward a destination. Some part of me had bought into the distraction that life and success are a destination. I don't know where I was trying to get to, but I was going! Then a few years ago I embarked on an unbeknownst journey taking me to the destination I was always seeking. I learned it didn't matter what I did or how I planned it out, I just had to be me and the destination I vainly sought after was simply myself.
In the process of learning to release and walk confidently in who I am, I am working out certain areas, one being who I am as a woman in relation to men. I am really great at determining who I am not going to be; the learning who I am going to be is more of a challenge. In the search for the right thought process I called one of my great girlfriends yesterday on my lunch break. She has been married for many years, and I wanted to know what her identity looked like in an area in relation to her husband.
We had the most encouraging talk. We shared deep parts of us that we are working on, and now it's as if someone else is carrying the load with us. I value a friendship where it's easy, when telling the hardest, most challenging parts of our lives is opened up and freedom is released in the comfort of an open forum to share. My friendship with her is a safe zone. Everything can be laid bare, and we link arms walking on together facing it head on!
John Burns, a preacher from Canada, said only 10% of your destiny is locked within yourself; the other 90% is discovered in the relationships of your life. Ninety percent! Each person in my life who believes in my dreams, desires to see me come into all that I am made to be, and lets me cheer them on shapes my destiny and creates my character. Destiny is one thing, but character is what keeps you there when it's hard and you want to quit. Character is most greatly achieved by having the people, like my girlfriend, who will do wild and crazy things to push you to be better.
My 90% is true. The people in my life are shaping different areas as I go. I can't figure it all out on my own. They help me quiet my head and trust. They focus me on the important parts and distract me from the deeper parts to remind me to laugh and not worry about it all!
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