Monday is cardio day. I huff and puff, turn really purple, and for some reason about half way through my work out I start looking stoned around my eyes. My trainer and I have discussed this phenomenon numerous times and we can’t figure it out. It is funny though.
Today I went back to the gym after a week off. Last week I needed some time. I needed to sort and deal and it was good. All day I was dreading the gym because frankly cardio is hard and my lapse in work outs left me fearful of cardio’s evil revenge! Cardio was dear to me tonight. I was focused, I kept up and it wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. When I need to get through a work out I don’t want to do I often think about the work out itself. I focus on the healthy part, the finished product, as I really want to know what she looks like and I am eager to see her.
This health thing isn’t just my body. It’s my mind too. I realized today in my work out I am unhealthy inside as much as I’ve been outside. As I’ve said before I emotionally eat, I don’t eat a lot but I eat really horrible things. I think I had ice cream four times last week. That’s more ice cream than I’ve had in 6 months combined. I decided I was going to start trying to identify what I am feeling when I start to eat the bad stuff. If I can identify it I can face it, give it its proper name, and move on. I think when I started this journey I just needed to be able to call a spade a spade. Six months ago I couldn’t have been this candid about it, but tonight I came to the understanding that I not only have to address the physical unhealth but there is a mental/emotional unhealth somewhere and I am using the food as the filler of a need that is not being met.
So funny to write it down and put it out there like that. It’s every fat girl’s story; I eat to fill a need. I’m just not too sure what the need is that is not being met and how food fills it…I am seeking that answer. I think it has something to do with worth. I looked worth up the other night in the dictionary, its definition is good or important enough to justify, justify means to be proven valid. Some where, I don’t feel worthy. I’m not sure where it is or why I feel that way; I'm not even sure what I am trying to feel "worthy" of but somehow all this is connected.
The revelation of it will come though. I trust the past history of God in my life, he started it, and he’ll finish it I just have to push through. Good thing his grace is sufficient. I know some people are screaming inside as they read this but don’t worry – trust me the revelation will come. Thankfully, I am well planted in the palm of the father.
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Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Faith Walks
I have to meet with women that are further along in their faith walks than I am. Women who are in a different season and have chartered these waters I brave, helping me navigate the rapids. Sometimes I just need to sort all the stuff in my head and have someone say what is what.
Today I did that. I sat with one of the best women I know who has been a point person in pivotal moments along my upward winding heaven bound road. A lot has been going on. There have been outside circumstances mounting upon each other, all culminating at the passing of my very elderly, very wonderful grandmother to whom I was very close.
This week, as I took time to settle with the loss, I could feel the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I could tell in all the pressure there was something in it I was supposed to get. I started asking God the other day what it was. It was just too much pressure inside me for there not to be something I needed to identify or release.
Today at a coffee shop outside in the gorgeous day we were having I had some revelation to the prompting. One of the breakthroughs I had in this revelation came in the ability to painfully confess I need to feel significant and I matter. I have always felt that way since I was a little girl. I don’t ever remember a time not longing for something bigger and grander. It spurs me on to bigger dreams but causes me to miss key moments and wallow in a lie the I don't matter enough.
After this confession my faithful friend looked at me and smiled. First she affirmed me. She let me know I wasn’t crazy and I was normal. She also reminded me there are negatives to every strength, I will find the balance and it won’t last forever. She confirmed true faith walks SUCK and are painful! She also confirmed it as a weakness to work on and a good place to be.
I agree with her. This idea is unfolding and my room mate can attest to the grand scale of the entire revelation. I think she can already see it brimming with the places this breakthrough will take me and those around me.
The best part of it all though, is right before I sat down for the meeting I had a message to my phone of a facebook alert from a girl friend I’ve not spoken with in a few months. She just wanted to let me know she was thinking about me. On the way home I received a text message from Megan saying that she loved me and hoped I was having a good day. I realized I have been seeking the “significance” to be affirmed in other venues. Even today like book ends to the conversation; God reminds me I am significant by having the two women I was able to pray with in the last six months to make choices for Jesus contact me and let me know to them I matter. The first two people I’ve ever really done that with and them our time together had a life and death impact. They both chose life and God used my life to show them how to do that. I think that’s significant.
I believe God did that strategically to shift my thoughts and order them; to gain perspective and truth. My dream to live a life of significance and influence is a good God dream that honors and glorifies him, but I need to realize and recognize what he thinks as significance and what his idea of influence is.
Perspective, focus, and renewing the mind. Here is where the ordinary day meets an extraordinary God and I am already in a new wave of change.
In an effort to gain readers can you please share this on your facebook and twitter? There is a link on the right of this page to share! Thanks for your support. xoxo
Today I did that. I sat with one of the best women I know who has been a point person in pivotal moments along my upward winding heaven bound road. A lot has been going on. There have been outside circumstances mounting upon each other, all culminating at the passing of my very elderly, very wonderful grandmother to whom I was very close.
This week, as I took time to settle with the loss, I could feel the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I could tell in all the pressure there was something in it I was supposed to get. I started asking God the other day what it was. It was just too much pressure inside me for there not to be something I needed to identify or release.
Today at a coffee shop outside in the gorgeous day we were having I had some revelation to the prompting. One of the breakthroughs I had in this revelation came in the ability to painfully confess I need to feel significant and I matter. I have always felt that way since I was a little girl. I don’t ever remember a time not longing for something bigger and grander. It spurs me on to bigger dreams but causes me to miss key moments and wallow in a lie the I don't matter enough.
After this confession my faithful friend looked at me and smiled. First she affirmed me. She let me know I wasn’t crazy and I was normal. She also reminded me there are negatives to every strength, I will find the balance and it won’t last forever. She confirmed true faith walks SUCK and are painful! She also confirmed it as a weakness to work on and a good place to be.
I agree with her. This idea is unfolding and my room mate can attest to the grand scale of the entire revelation. I think she can already see it brimming with the places this breakthrough will take me and those around me.
The best part of it all though, is right before I sat down for the meeting I had a message to my phone of a facebook alert from a girl friend I’ve not spoken with in a few months. She just wanted to let me know she was thinking about me. On the way home I received a text message from Megan saying that she loved me and hoped I was having a good day. I realized I have been seeking the “significance” to be affirmed in other venues. Even today like book ends to the conversation; God reminds me I am significant by having the two women I was able to pray with in the last six months to make choices for Jesus contact me and let me know to them I matter. The first two people I’ve ever really done that with and them our time together had a life and death impact. They both chose life and God used my life to show them how to do that. I think that’s significant.
I believe God did that strategically to shift my thoughts and order them; to gain perspective and truth. My dream to live a life of significance and influence is a good God dream that honors and glorifies him, but I need to realize and recognize what he thinks as significance and what his idea of influence is.
Perspective, focus, and renewing the mind. Here is where the ordinary day meets an extraordinary God and I am already in a new wave of change.
In an effort to gain readers can you please share this on your facebook and twitter? There is a link on the right of this page to share! Thanks for your support. xoxo
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