That's a Wrap!

It's 1:34 am and I am getting ready for a meeting in the morning. I am meeting with a web developer/internet marketer tomorrow morning for ginnyisms, and I'm really excited about it. I just went through all my stats for the year. This post, my last for 2010 will be the 52nd post this year rounding my average to, a post a week. I can live with that. I showed up well this year and I'm pleased to write my final blog for the year.

I am so excited about this meeting tomorrow. I have had some serious revelation this month. God unveiled a ridiculous amount of stuff before Christmas and one of those things is this writing thing. I know where I'm going now. I knew before, but now I know that I know and I am excited about it.

I hope my passion sparks something in this guy and together we come up with some great stuff for the future of ginnyisms. I hope he works out and I start to build up a creative team around it and see where we can go...

I am so excited for this year.

I'd like to thank you for coming along this year. It was a big year with a lot of transition and I couldn't have done it without the people in my world. So I'd like to thank my friends the people I write about, the ones that stand in the kitchen with me batting around titles to posts, to my email buddies during the day who bounces ideas and encouragement, to the ones who promote in multiple states – Thank you. This year was shaped by the ones who let me text them on the hard days, cry my ugly cry, and tell them repeated stories about what someone said on the blog. Thanks. The ones who shared their lives with me and let me write about it openly, to friends who texted out ideas when I was stuck on a topic. You shaped my year and I couldn't be blessed with more amazing people in my life.

So anyway, enough. Here's to one hell of a year! No matter where you are today remember you are favored, you’re loved, you have something to contribute, and the world is better because you are here. Remember you aren't alone, life is real, and really remember there are greater things on the horizon so focus on that.

Happy New Year!

Through the Looking Glass

There's been a load of revelation this week; poured out displays of his goodness saying yes and amen. I imagine I will be very much changed by February. As I sought the thin places tonight I was overwhelmed with his goodness. How he pours out his grace when we ask for it and his word and his will are attainable if you just keep seeking.

As I sat and talked with God I started to pray for Joseph, the cashier at the Salvation Army Thrift Store I met tonight. I prayed he’d keep the paper I wrote the church’s information down on. I prayed he’d walk into church and find his home to heal his broken, lonely heart which he poured out to us when we asked if he was excited for Christmas. As I prayed for Joseph I started to pray for Lauren, someone who told me she appreciated me because she didn't feel so alone, I prayed for her to feel comfort. I prayed for the dream over my life and how I want to love people. Then God had to of intervened because next I prayed he would always have me be a mirror to people, that I would reflect the image of themselves with God alive within them. What a powerful image and revelation! That I would always have a familiar face because people recognize themselves in me.

It's powerful and completely God because I can't think of anything close to that amazing. I really am starting to see myself in the identity God set for me. Paul completely took on the identity of God's vessel for his message so at the end of the day, he could say, “Message sent.” When Chris taught that last week it humbled me to the core, it touched something deeply within me. Somehow within a week God has breathed on what started there and I am finally starting to really deeply grasp the God identity he renamed me 9 years ago. I am different now, he accepted my bid to be used and I am finally starting to grasp the gravity of that honor and to be a good steward. There’s so much packed into that revelation; so much love and hope, satisfaction and passion. His revelation is so much more satisfying then anything else and then to think if it’s this good how much better can it possibly get? And to be quite honest with you a big sigh of relief I’ve not given up, I can do it, and this race is absolutely for me.

He’s using me, because I asked.

I am humbled.

Swamp Thang

I realized tonight when I am not really seeking God on things I have nothing to write. I have been in contact and praying, going to bible college, and doing life but really seeking the "thin places" as my friend Cassidy calls it; not so much. Lame I know.

I think at some point we burn out of doing things on our own. I have been so angry lately; angry at traffic, angry at my cars, angry at myself, just angry. Today I've had enough. I am frustrated and in a funk. I had to ask myself when was the last time I got on my face and really sought the thin places on my own, just me and God?

There's been nothing of substance to write because there's been nothing fresh in my spirit. God is good but what I get at church and talking to my friends isn't enough.

It's my doing, I've been hanging on and "handling" my stuff all by myself, as if I had any control or capablity in fixing overwhelming circumstances. I can't give myself favor...tonight I'm getting on my face. I can't stay this nasty negative swamp of a person even for the rest of today.

My friend Rachael talked a bit of it out with me tonight and she said I was just in a funk and it will pass, I understand and agree. The funks or ruts come and they go but I think the greatest thing is how long will we stay in them.

Matthew Barnett, senior pastor of the Dream Center in Los Angeles, preached at Soul Central tonight and he said the "devil will love to steal your fire for long periods." It may have been only a few weeks of mounting "funk" but enough is enough and it's time to pick myself up let it go and get on with the fire of life.

At the end of the day I know where I want to go and how badly I want to get there. I have a choice, to stay here in my funk- angry moving to bitterness or I have the choice to dust off, surrender, and trade my funk for God's fire. It's up to me.

Tonight if you are finding yourself in a funk be encouraged to know we all go through them, no worries you are normal. Also be encouraged to know God wants to help you out of your funk more than you want out of it so let him help you. Tonight I was really honest with God, I told him I was so angry all the time and I didn't know why. I can't say there's been any HUGE revelation or release yet since my honest surrender of a bad attitude but here's a post and I honestly have no idea where it came from. All I can say is His grace is suffcient.

Amen.

Vending Machine of Promise, Yes Please!

I’ve been listening to “Cruisin’,” by Huey Lewis and the News with Gwyneth Paltrow on repeat since Tuesday. It sounds how my week feels. It’s been a neat week. I’ve been praying for wisdom for a few questions in my life the last couple of weeks, and I got it. In March I heard Sy Rogers preach on the character of God. He said if he compared his past experiences with God he recognized the pattern, God’s Character is innately good. He’s always proven himself to be good, so why would he not continue to demonstrate his character as such? This revelation propelled me through my hardest days waiting for breakthrough to come. The day I received the full revelation was the day I was offered my job. Once I got this revelation it changed how I saw all else. He is always good.

Despite this revelation it still amazes me when I see the word become life and activate a part of me. The Bible says whomever lacks wisdom should ask for it and it will be freely given. This time instead of trying to figure it all out on my own, talk to 19 different people about what they thought, and feel frustrated, I recognized I didn’t know the answers and I needed help. So, I asked for wisdom specifically and he gave it me. Through this wisdom I was able to come to the answers myself. I applied his wisdom and it told me exactly where I stood. I think I feel so humbled because I trusted and he gave it to me. He is working in me and I am growing and maturing as a person. I like who I am and it’s a nice place to be.

Don’t get me wrong I have my stuff, I always will, but it never stops amazing me when God moves in my life. It amazes me how grandly he can move in the simplest of things, in the little details of the everyday. I find humor and humility in how much it moves me; someone who once deeply struggled to see the power in the everyday.

I’m really grateful this week. I’m always thankful, but I get busy and unfocused and I think I forget to be grateful. I’m grateful for my job and how it’s moving me closer to my dreams. I’m grateful God wanted me and likes using me. I’m grateful I live a dynamic life that leads to adventure and possibility. I’m grateful for the people in my world who color my days shades I would never think to use. It’s just a nice week and I’m grateful for it. It feels how the song sounds, I’m cruising, grateful and thankful we’re cruisin’ together.

99 Problems and a Gym Ain't 1

I’m going to be really honest here. So much so I’m really hoping certain people won’t read it, but I don’t know how to tell you the beautiful part of this story with out telling you the dirty part too. I haven’t been to the gym since August 1 and I was starting to pick up some of my bad eating habits. Now, I have stayed active and done some work outs but I have not been diligent with it. There were some circumstances but somewhere about mid-September I started telling myself I had to make a priority in my finances and my time to get back to the gym. Let’s be honest, If I didn’t it was always going to be something. Last week I decided enough-was-a-enough and I wasn’t happy. I hadn’t gained any weight, even when shopping in New York, I was buying smaller sizes. I just didn’t feel good. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to continue to buy the smaller sizes if I didn’t get back to my work out regimen and back to my lifestyle change.

Insert a bunch of emotional and sarcastic internal garbage and we come to…If I’m not happy with what I see in the mirror then I need to change it. I have the power with in me to make the choices that will change the way I feel about what I see when I look in the mirror lately. I was really happy a month ago, so if I’m not happy now, I am responsible for fixing that. I think we have a lot more control over our “happiness” than we realize. I just talked to a friend about fighting condemnation today and I have been in a sparring match with myself the last two weeks doing the same thing. So today I went to the gym and I joined it. I then came home and did a yoga session on my cable on demand because I needed some really good stretching today for my back. I did something. I find it funny how condemnation can keep you in the same spot. It paralyzes you, pinning you down by sitting on your chest showing you just what you don’t want to see. If I get up though, it has no where to sit.

When I start to understand how to really renew my mind, change my actions, and see different results; I really understand a multitude more about my life. I understand change is real and I can do it. I surprise myself when I start to see the changes I am seeing and mostly because I decided to stop believing I never would change. There is power in the little things. Signing up for the gym and doing some stretches may not be a three hour work out where I burn nine billion calories, but it is where I pick back up and continue on my journey. There is sweet relief when you find your way back on the path you were meaning to go, when you thought for sure you were lost for good.

It wasn’t a lot but it was something. Tomorrow I will get off work come home and change, and at seven I will be in my first class at my new gym. This lifestyle change is real. I am really changing. I can honestly say I’ve never come this far before, I don’t really mean physically but in the mental commitment of it. I have never picked myself up, dusted myself off and got back on track in this area so quickly before. I’m so happy to know my character has changed and as it is changing the rest of me is changing too. What was sick is being healed, what was scared is growing confidant, and what is coming is attainable and I’m so thankful for grace.

PS If you are new to the blog I suggest earlier posts, Investment and Fat Kid.

Never Follow the White Rabbit

Its 1:15 in the afternoon on a Tuesday and I’m dressed for work writing as I wait for my car, Barbie, to be repaired. I have been working on getting her fixed for the last week and this morning she finally decided enough was a enough and took a break right on the side of the road. Needless to say my morning has been stressful. It’s amazing what a rabbit hole of negativity my head can be on days where my emotions try to wear the pants in this family. A year and a half ago I had a crush and my friend Joy told me in the midst of it I was capable of controlling my emotions. It was hard, but I could do it. Ever since then I have put this truth into hard practice. Today is one of those days.

It amazes me how everything can feel as if it’s spiraling down on you. Really, in the long view of things, how big of a deal is it I have to drain the savings I have been working so hard to obtain, to fix a car with a payment, I am grateful for but don’t really like? It really isn’t. It won’t be like this forever, today is just a day and it’s not the long view of my life. But man, somewhere in there my mind had me spun out almost in tears over so many ridiculous lies. It’s amazing to me how from an unforgiving morning of circumstance, the lies start to encompass every part of my life! I am thankful I have come to a place where I have learned to balance my emotions better. I am not being run by them, I refuse to give into them, and it’s a nice place to be where the little goodness’ of the day reveal God’s grace. I’ve learned enough to know, where God’s grace and goodness are, his glory is smack dab in the middle of it.

The best part of the day so far is it’s warm enough outside to wear my summer uniform to work and no matter how I feel I always feel pretty in this dress. It’s also the most comfortable thing I own. My car will get fixed, money will eventually find its way back to my savings, my dad is awesome, my friends are generous and really I’m blessed beyond measure. When I see it that way I feel peace, something I am getting used to learning how to find – To accept it. By controlling my emotions I am able to surrender to peace. I sort of sink into it, like when you are sinking down into a warm tub. Inside, where my nervous stirs, sinks into a tub of grace and peace I guess is what grace feels like. I just learned it’s always been there, I just had my back to it in my effort to carry it all by myself.

Never follow the white rabbit; his tunnels always lead deeper than is really necessary to follow. We make the choice of where we set our focus. We choose our route on this journey; people who make it to the end keep their focus on the end, not the stuff on the sides. Stay focused, mind your course, find the peace and remember there is lots of possibility in a day if you just choose to see it.

Its 2:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday now, I’m dressed for work and I still am writing as I wait for my car, Barbie, to be repaired. I’m getting frustrated to be honest. Work is looking further and further away today. However, grace has allowed it not to be too hectic of a day at work and it’s good my car is getting fixed and there is a light at the end of the tunnel with this ordeal. From where I sit I can see his glory in the place I sit inside. Rested and certain it’s all ok. Nothings changed. God’s still good, his mercies are still new every morning, the day has loads of possibility within it and tomorrow will be here soon enough. So there you go.

Yeah, so there you go.

1+1=

I made a commitment when I started my job, I would only add to the environment. If I was going to put my hands to this office I was going to use them to build and not tear down. I made the determination of who I was going to be before I even started, that way no matter who the people I worked with were, I only added no matter what. There is a small cluster of our tiny team who sort of bounce off each other and to be honest, I don’t really think they are too funny or interesting. They think they are funny and are quite loud about it but to each his own, I love being able to listen to my iPod and get lost in my work.

There is someone on my team who passes a lot of judgment. They are quite witty about it and dramatic but it is what it is. We eat a lot of cake in my department. Seriously, it’s almost a weekly thing. I think I’ve only eaten it twice but there is a lot of cake. The other day it was again a reason for cake and the “funny” ones were eating cake while discussing how they shouldn’t. In the middle of this conversation the “judge” told someone they were living a sedentary life and to mind what they ate. After the banter from this argument, they pass by my desk fall into their chair and say, “whew, I’m tired.” What I wanted to respond with was, “Well, passing all that judgment can wear you out!” I kept my mouth shut but drafted an email to the girl who sits next to me and is a bit Daria with me amongst our office of Ken and Barbies.

I drafted the email telling her my response with a few lines explaining my restraint. Then I remembered and glanced at the only hot pink sticky amidst the multiple yellow ones hanging around my monitors. ALWAYS ONLY ADD. If I sent this all I was doing was stirring up an us-against-them mentality which makes me exactly part of what I don’t love about this little clique. I wasn’t looking at the good, I wasn’t building relationship, I wasn’t building respect, I wasn’t Adding anything.

I don’t have to like everyone but I do have to respect everyone. People are people and I am no greater. I have to keep the right perspective of people. If I am going to love them I need to love them even when I’d rather give into the nasty in me. Sometimes giving into that meanness feels really good or is really funny, but that’s not loving people and what if I am here on purpose? I think it’s important to remember, God wants and can use us at any moment. I think I sometimes get to comfortable and familiar with God and think he can’t use any moment, any thought, or any word to change a life. Sometimes I need to remember to get out of the way. If I’m not adding I’m in the way.

I deleted the email.