Unpacking

It has been a tumultuous few months with worth issues. Thanks to the blog I can tell you I received the revelation of my “worth and significance” issues on May 1. I talk about meeting with a friend in the post Faith Walks, and that is when I got the revelation. It’s been three months of working this out. God bless my friends who patiently help me unpack the layers of this revelation. It’s so dang big. It is layer upon crusty layer of fermented issue upon fermented issue. Each one keeps showing the same core problem but gosh almighty is it almost over?

Judah Smith encouraged me with his preaching on being in the “Meantime” and meantime is where I am. I was encouraged as well because I seem to be right on track but I’m a bit seasick to be honest. Tonight was the end of conference and as I said on Monday, my world is definitely larger, and a greater revelation of God has unfolded before me. I got so much vision and purpose and truth. I’m so excited for the coming months. I have no idea what is in store, but everything is right on time. I feel the Holy Momentum rolling through my life and as each layer is peeled back it adds fuel to the flame encouraging me for soon coming speed; like rocket boosters reaching point of take off.

I have known all along the revelation and answers to the worth and significance duo had to come from God himself! The Shun Amite lady (2 Kings 4) told Elisha she would not leave until he came back with her, she would accept no substitute. I am there. I have drawn my line in the sand and said I will not accept a temporary appeasement to make me feel better. I am getting the root of this sucker because honestly it deeply affects my spirit, the deepest pieces of me and leaves me lonely, afraid, and sick.

When I have a lot on my mind or a heavy heart I take a drive. Sometimes I go get lost some places, listen to music, talk to God, and sort my thoughts. I went for a drive tonight. I’m tired of being bogged down in this area of worth and significance. I’m tired of talking about it, sorting it, questioning it, surrendering it. I’m tired of being an EMOTIONAL basket case! I’m ready for my breakthrough. I’m ready to get to the other side already.

On my drive tonight I started telling myself out loud the things I wanted. I wanted to be picked; to be chosen, to be someone’s favorite. Somehow I couldn’t get my head around accepting the truths I remind other people about. The truth is God chose me. I have been reading it in scripture all over the place for weeks and weeks and tonight I finally spoke it out loud remembering the verses. God chose me I didn’t choose him. He picked me out of a crowd of people. He gave me wisdom, insight, and a gift of encouragement. I didn’t know to ask for those things until he put in my heart a desire to be a person of wisdom, insight, and encouragement. Somewhere he saw my heart and said, “Ah yes her heart is lovely and I can’t bear to be with out her. I pick her she’s my favorite. Let me grab my cross 'cause that one there, she’s coming with me!” In that one statement I realized I had what I wanted all along I just hadn’t accept it. It doesn’t take away the layers yet all the way but it does show evidence of progress. It shows me how to accept it, how to renew my mind, my heart, and my spirit. It’s a word of encouragement from the lord that identifies who I am, who’s I am, and who I am becoming.

It’s speaking life over a dead wound. I have no other choice. I have to keep speaking the truth over and over again, speaking to a problem head-on forces you to face it. I know it hurts but face it. Once you do it stops hurting so much, so stare it down, tell it where it stands, plant your footing, and hang on. Capacity is growing.