Let's Call a Spade a Spade

Monday is cardio day. I huff and puff, turn really purple, and for some reason about half way through my work out I start looking stoned around my eyes. My trainer and I have discussed this phenomenon numerous times and we can’t figure it out. It is funny though.

Today I went back to the gym after a week off. Last week I needed some time. I needed to sort and deal and it was good. All day I was dreading the gym because frankly cardio is hard and my lapse in work outs left me fearful of cardio’s evil revenge! Cardio was dear to me tonight. I was focused, I kept up and it wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. When I need to get through a work out I don’t want to do I often think about the work out itself. I focus on the healthy part, the finished product, as I really want to know what she looks like and I am eager to see her.

This health thing isn’t just my body. It’s my mind too. I realized today in my work out I am unhealthy inside as much as I’ve been outside. As I’ve said before I emotionally eat, I don’t eat a lot but I eat really horrible things. I think I had ice cream four times last week. That’s more ice cream than I’ve had in 6 months combined. I decided I was going to start trying to identify what I am feeling when I start to eat the bad stuff. If I can identify it I can face it, give it its proper name, and move on. I think when I started this journey I just needed to be able to call a spade a spade. Six months ago I couldn’t have been this candid about it, but tonight I came to the understanding that I not only have to address the physical unhealth but there is a mental/emotional unhealth somewhere and I am using the food as the filler of a need that is not being met.

So funny to write it down and put it out there like that. It’s every fat girl’s story; I eat to fill a need. I’m just not too sure what the need is that is not being met and how food fills it…I am seeking that answer. I think it has something to do with worth. I looked worth up the other night in the dictionary, its definition is good or important enough to justify, justify means to be proven valid. Some where, I don’t feel worthy. I’m not sure where it is or why I feel that way; I'm not even sure what I am trying to feel "worthy" of but somehow all this is connected.

The revelation of it will come though. I trust the past history of God in my life, he started it, and he’ll finish it I just have to push through. Good thing his grace is sufficient. I know some people are screaming inside as they read this but don’t worry – trust me the revelation will come. Thankfully, I am well planted in the palm of the father.

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