THE feeling of loneliness is a tad overwhelming. I feel like I should be able to balance it somehow, like it’s almost wrong to feel this way. My humanness is mighty strong and the only thing I know how to do right now, is to give it all away; all the hurt and lost feelings, just give it away for something lighter. I know that no matter how lonely I may feel the cross is still worth it and his presence is sweet, he loves me greatly and deeply, though I don’t fully grasp it yet I will keep seeking him until it becomes the solid rock of my epicenter and I know how to better manage the emotions of the change and growth.
IN the season of growth that I find myself in, I’m having to let go of a lot “comforts” that I have held dear. They are my security blanket and where I retreat to comfort myself on nights like tonight when I am feeling the most lost and the most alone. But something deeply within me is prodding me, cheering to let them go and seek the truth instead of settling for the counterfeit binkies I sucked to pacify the edge.
IT sucks honestly, this growth thing. It’s painful, embarrassing, humbling, wide open and exposed. It’s stealing every thought and determining that no matter how much it hurts to release these things, I trust God or I don’t. It’s that simple and his words say so much more about me then I can ever say. I firmly know in the end of the current refining there is something spectacular far beyond what I have even dreamed. I am convinced in a short time I will blog about the ridiculous plans of God and how he is master designer and we will all be encouraged.
TODAY though I am forcing myself to pull above the Maginot lines; leaving myself bare as I walk through the battlefield of my mind and take ground. Our natural instinct in such positions is protecting oneself from discomfort and in some ways expected, the only problem is we burrow down, set our footing and stop taking ground. So this is me taking ground, because it gets muddy in the pit and I am way too girly to stay in muck.
MAYBE significance is found in the way we put our best foot forward. In the moments when no one sees but inside when all feels lost, as if there is a cracking on the inside our foot forward causes significance to start to fill in the gaps? Maybe significance is found in the moments we make significant choices to not feel that way anymore? I choose to love God and to keep believing he will fill my weaknesses with his grace; loving me deeper on days like today where I have to focus on the cross to remind myself that one act contained all the significance I’ll ever need. Even saying that my spirit is quieted, I’m a little more found, and his grace is sufficient.
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