My dream has always been the same. No matter what guy I was crushing on at the time all I ever did was put his face on the man who comes behind me as I do the dishes and wraps his arms around me. The dream is always the same. The face just comes in and out of focus depending on who’s snatched my attention for the moment.
I’ve been dreaming this dream for as long as I can remember. As a little girl I was Repunzel waiting for my knight. I believed there was someone out there who longed for me as greatly as I longed for them, once our like souls met symmetry would be established. I believe it is part of the natural desire of a woman. It is actually the natural desire of humanity – to love and be loved. Not too long ago I came into an amazing revelation about said desires. Once I was able to identify these desires I was able to organize and view them as they really are. (refer to Counterfeit for earlier revelation www.ginpaynter.blogspot.com/2009/06/counterfeit.htm)I realized the deep longing within me was placed there by something that longed for me to find it as intensely as I desired its location. It was beyond me and far beyond that which any man could satisfy. It is deeper and more intimate, and its revelation provides freedom in the simple knowledge of understanding how intensely I am wanted and loved.
I went and saw Dear John tonight. The movie proved to be exactly what I was hoping for. It was a tad sappy, romantic, and it made me cry a bit. As I was driving home and contemplating the movie and my emotions, I put Addison Road’s Hope Now, on my iPod I had heard it on a preview before the movie. It was a song about faith and how “your love sets me free.” While sorting my feelings determining where I was going to go in my head, I thought of the lyrics to the song. Though the band is on a Christian label, the ambiguous lyrics could be covered by Kelly Clarkson, turning it into a ballad to be dedicated at junior high dances for years to come. As I really thought about it and thought about the longing to have a man “complete me” like in the story I realized it didn’t appeal to me. I have had a greater revelation and to entertain even the idea of something different feels like accepting counterfeit currency for the Hope Diamond. I remembered there is only one love that can complete me, leaving the freedom for a man to only compliment me.
I’m proud of that revelation. It’s a hard one for girls to get, I think. By finding the balance of contentment and the intended economy for romantic relationships it’s freed up my thought life, enforced my identity, and changed patterns of my thought process where men are involved. I’m still working it all out, but I no longer find myself feeling badly for myself as if I were missing out on something. It just feels like this is my time; my time to get to know me, to race after the dreams in my heart, my time to know God in a way I never knew him before, and my time to figure out that I have all I ever need and all I have to do is be the best me trying to be like Jesus I can be today! Nothing further than that as it will work itself out tomorrow.
It makes me feel more beautiful. I feel confident and assured that there is something amazing in my life and I was painted this way to bring out the hues of God’s Ginny shades. These only come with me and blend together with others highlighting something new. Revelation has draped itself around me and I find it fits quite comfortably.
It’s encouraging to see the blueprints of growth materialize to a different life pattern and to walk in something tangible.
PS I am believing to gain 1000 readers this year. If you could would you mind sharing it on Facebook or Twitter? There is a button at the top right corner for an easy way to do it. Thanks for the support!
Friday, February 12, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
90%
I value wise counsel. Something in the way I am wired causes me to stay inside my head. I muddle and roll thoughts around like a rock tumbler, fleshing out ideas, desires, and revelations. The rabbit trails within my thoughts are endless and I have many a time been advised to think less and just be. I think it's what makes me a good writer.
A better portion of my "Christian" life has been spent striving toward a destination. Some part of me had bought into the distraction that life and success are a destination. I don't know where I was trying to get to, but I was going! Then a few years ago I embarked on an unbeknownst journey taking me to the destination I was always seeking. I learned it didn't matter what I did or how I planned it out, I just had to be me and the destination I vainly sought after was simply myself.
In the process of learning to release and walk confidently in who I am, I am working out certain areas, one being who I am as a woman in relation to men. I am really great at determining who I am not going to be; the learning who I am going to be is more of a challenge. In the search for the right thought process I called one of my great girlfriends yesterday on my lunch break. She has been married for many years, and I wanted to know what her identity looked like in an area in relation to her husband.
We had the most encouraging talk. We shared deep parts of us that we are working on, and now it's as if someone else is carrying the load with us. I value a friendship where it's easy, when telling the hardest, most challenging parts of our lives is opened up and freedom is released in the comfort of an open forum to share. My friendship with her is a safe zone. Everything can be laid bare, and we link arms walking on together facing it head on!
John Burns, a preacher from Canada, said only 10% of your destiny is locked within yourself; the other 90% is discovered in the relationships of your life. Ninety percent! Each person in my life who believes in my dreams, desires to see me come into all that I am made to be, and lets me cheer them on shapes my destiny and creates my character. Destiny is one thing, but character is what keeps you there when it's hard and you want to quit. Character is most greatly achieved by having the people, like my girlfriend, who will do wild and crazy things to push you to be better.
My 90% is true. The people in my life are shaping different areas as I go. I can't figure it all out on my own. They help me quiet my head and trust. They focus me on the important parts and distract me from the deeper parts to remind me to laugh and not worry about it all!
A better portion of my "Christian" life has been spent striving toward a destination. Some part of me had bought into the distraction that life and success are a destination. I don't know where I was trying to get to, but I was going! Then a few years ago I embarked on an unbeknownst journey taking me to the destination I was always seeking. I learned it didn't matter what I did or how I planned it out, I just had to be me and the destination I vainly sought after was simply myself.
In the process of learning to release and walk confidently in who I am, I am working out certain areas, one being who I am as a woman in relation to men. I am really great at determining who I am not going to be; the learning who I am going to be is more of a challenge. In the search for the right thought process I called one of my great girlfriends yesterday on my lunch break. She has been married for many years, and I wanted to know what her identity looked like in an area in relation to her husband.
We had the most encouraging talk. We shared deep parts of us that we are working on, and now it's as if someone else is carrying the load with us. I value a friendship where it's easy, when telling the hardest, most challenging parts of our lives is opened up and freedom is released in the comfort of an open forum to share. My friendship with her is a safe zone. Everything can be laid bare, and we link arms walking on together facing it head on!
John Burns, a preacher from Canada, said only 10% of your destiny is locked within yourself; the other 90% is discovered in the relationships of your life. Ninety percent! Each person in my life who believes in my dreams, desires to see me come into all that I am made to be, and lets me cheer them on shapes my destiny and creates my character. Destiny is one thing, but character is what keeps you there when it's hard and you want to quit. Character is most greatly achieved by having the people, like my girlfriend, who will do wild and crazy things to push you to be better.
My 90% is true. The people in my life are shaping different areas as I go. I can't figure it all out on my own. They help me quiet my head and trust. They focus me on the important parts and distract me from the deeper parts to remind me to laugh and not worry about it all!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Hallelujah
This is why I LOVE music. This is where music finds it full potential! Where it's so good it hurts, moving deeply within you shifting the most silent of places. Music is unique in its capacity, it identifies with the parts there are no words for. It's big and passionate and full of purpose; here is an example of music fulfilling its purpose. Music is strong, it picks you up - drifting you as if on a magic carpet, swimming through a warm current of notes. Each note so sweet building anticipation for the next note. It pulls your forward, as the playing tone yearns you to stay. You feel the ache. It's how God feels.
It's not even about the words so much it's just getting lost in the beauty of how it sounds all together. It's in the perfect order.
There are so many pieces to this that are gorgeous, each of the vocals in their own rite, the two of them mingling together, sounds how silk feels. The hallelujah's- for me that word is endless praise no matter what, so dressing them in this sound makes them longing and grateful. So many parts.
I wish I knew Justin Timberlake and Matt Morris so I could thank them for doing this. I enjoy it immensely, it stirs my passions. Well done boys well done.
Listen to it a couple of times. Close your eyes let it wrap its arms around you...It's wonderful!
It's not even about the words so much it's just getting lost in the beauty of how it sounds all together. It's in the perfect order.
There are so many pieces to this that are gorgeous, each of the vocals in their own rite, the two of them mingling together, sounds how silk feels. The hallelujah's- for me that word is endless praise no matter what, so dressing them in this sound makes them longing and grateful. So many parts.
I wish I knew Justin Timberlake and Matt Morris so I could thank them for doing this. I enjoy it immensely, it stirs my passions. Well done boys well done.
Listen to it a couple of times. Close your eyes let it wrap its arms around you...It's wonderful!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Vapor
I reconnected with the sister of my closest friend from the 5th grade. She lived up the hill from me in Cuba in the building complex next to mine. Her family moved back to Virginia before mine because her mom had an aggressive cancer. Despite the greatest of efforts over multiple years, her body surrendered to the disease when we were in high school. It was the most dramatic thing to have happened to me at that point of life; I had only known two people to die up until then.
Jennifer and I kept in loose contact over the last 20 years. She and I even worked as clowns for a summer job when I was a freshman in college. She was fun, wonderful, and warm. Her two younger sisters are the same, and it was great to contact her sister last week. The sad part came when she told me that last March Jennifer died in her sleep due to complications with an illness, leaving behind her husband and four children.
Had it been so long that she would have four children? It’s funny how the years fold over themselves; months become years, and one day you find out that someone you loved is gone.
I forget that people die. I assume they will be there as they always have. I forget how permanent and complete death is, though it’s a natural part of life. I spend so much time dreaming of tomorrow and living today; I never spend a thought on what if tomorrow didn’t come for someone I know and love.
I was so grieved to hear of her passing and heartbroken I missed out on the celebration of her life which took place within miles of my home; I went to bed early that night. I was surprised by my reaction. As I swam through the emotions I was feeling, I figured out I felt as if I had missed out on something. I missed out on reconnecting with her; it had been too long, and I missed out on getting to say goodbye.
When Jessica Snead passed I was so grateful for being a part of her passing. I was a part of that story. Maybe it’s more she is part of mine, but with Jennifer our story is long and far-reaching. I don’t know where our story is now. It’s just over. There is no completion. No development to completion – just finished.
Maybe the completion of our story lies simply in the fact that I loved her and will always remember her. I will remember her in our videos we made as kids pretending to be anything else than what we were. I don’t know – I really don’t. I just know I loved her, and I’m so sad she is gone, but so thankful I knew her.
Jennifer and I kept in loose contact over the last 20 years. She and I even worked as clowns for a summer job when I was a freshman in college. She was fun, wonderful, and warm. Her two younger sisters are the same, and it was great to contact her sister last week. The sad part came when she told me that last March Jennifer died in her sleep due to complications with an illness, leaving behind her husband and four children.
Had it been so long that she would have four children? It’s funny how the years fold over themselves; months become years, and one day you find out that someone you loved is gone.
I forget that people die. I assume they will be there as they always have. I forget how permanent and complete death is, though it’s a natural part of life. I spend so much time dreaming of tomorrow and living today; I never spend a thought on what if tomorrow didn’t come for someone I know and love.
I was so grieved to hear of her passing and heartbroken I missed out on the celebration of her life which took place within miles of my home; I went to bed early that night. I was surprised by my reaction. As I swam through the emotions I was feeling, I figured out I felt as if I had missed out on something. I missed out on reconnecting with her; it had been too long, and I missed out on getting to say goodbye.
When Jessica Snead passed I was so grateful for being a part of her passing. I was a part of that story. Maybe it’s more she is part of mine, but with Jennifer our story is long and far-reaching. I don’t know where our story is now. It’s just over. There is no completion. No development to completion – just finished.
Maybe the completion of our story lies simply in the fact that I loved her and will always remember her. I will remember her in our videos we made as kids pretending to be anything else than what we were. I don’t know – I really don’t. I just know I loved her, and I’m so sad she is gone, but so thankful I knew her.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Invested
My senior pastor Sharon Kelly told me no woman really loves to work out. "They just do it," she says in her Aussie accent. Some time a year ago, I started making choices differently in my life out of a desire to align my life mind, spirit, and body. I was pretty good with two of those areas, but my lifestyle reflected in my health was not the example of an abundant life.
Skip a lot of emotional stuff I had no idea was there, and I found myself a member at a gym I actually show up to. I was sitting in my car this morning on my break, staring at my cute pink lifting gloves my friend Gareth gave me for Christmas. I start thinking of investment and dreams and how those gloves are an investment into the vision of my health.
I love people. I see my life standing in front of my generation and saying you can do it. Not in a corny you can-do-it way, but in a very real, hey this working it out to be better than you thought is hard, but you can do it. I promise! Sometimes it just helps knowing you aren't the only person working it out. But I digress. This vision I see for my life is intense. I believe if I am going to reach a lost and broken world I need to consist of a couple of things. I need to be relevant, and this is an image-driven culture; I need my health to reflect the victories I am encouraging others to take for themselves.
That vision is spurring me on with every miserable squat, sit up, and plank I do. It's what motivates me and renews my mind. This investment into a lifestyle change is just that, an investment. It requires a constant mental maintenance. It's such a culture shift in my lifestyle that I can't do it alone, and I have other people invested in it. Bringing us back to my lifting gloves...
Gareth has been an amazing friend in my gym world. He's the friend who does that part with me. We set goals and celebrate when the other achieves them. It is part of the accountability I guess, but he invested into my vision of my health by getting me the lifting gloves that I really wanted as a Christmas gift. I was committed to it before the gloves, but now I have tangible accountability in my car of proof that I am person who goes to the gym. I have become a person with a gym bag, a growing gym wardrobe, and lifting gloves.
They are a silly pair of gloves that are pink and fun, but when I put them on I feel like a person I never recognized before. I am a person who is actively seeking a better lifestyle, devoted in purpose to see my health come under submission, and I am the master of this body not the other way around. I am thankful for the investment my friend made in my pursuit to get healthy. I have learned through this culture shift that when God takes us on a journey, no matter the destination, he doesn’t send us alone. He colors the changes with a smattering of support – people who hold on to your dream for you, depositing little things to help and encourage you to the goal you have set before you.
Who is investing in your world? Are you putting yourself around people who are spurring you on to achieving the goals and dreams you almost couldn’t see yourself sometimes? Who are you investing in? I have learned investing in someone else’s visions and dreams gives life to your own. Did I do anything special to have Gareth invest in my gloves? No, we simply are uncomplicated friends spurring one another on, but I believe in the cyclical power of life. The more I invest in others the more God reveals people who believe in me and my life and invest themselves into the dreams and goals that are leading my life.
Go forth and invest!
Skip a lot of emotional stuff I had no idea was there, and I found myself a member at a gym I actually show up to. I was sitting in my car this morning on my break, staring at my cute pink lifting gloves my friend Gareth gave me for Christmas. I start thinking of investment and dreams and how those gloves are an investment into the vision of my health.
I love people. I see my life standing in front of my generation and saying you can do it. Not in a corny you can-do-it way, but in a very real, hey this working it out to be better than you thought is hard, but you can do it. I promise! Sometimes it just helps knowing you aren't the only person working it out. But I digress. This vision I see for my life is intense. I believe if I am going to reach a lost and broken world I need to consist of a couple of things. I need to be relevant, and this is an image-driven culture; I need my health to reflect the victories I am encouraging others to take for themselves.
That vision is spurring me on with every miserable squat, sit up, and plank I do. It's what motivates me and renews my mind. This investment into a lifestyle change is just that, an investment. It requires a constant mental maintenance. It's such a culture shift in my lifestyle that I can't do it alone, and I have other people invested in it. Bringing us back to my lifting gloves...
Gareth has been an amazing friend in my gym world. He's the friend who does that part with me. We set goals and celebrate when the other achieves them. It is part of the accountability I guess, but he invested into my vision of my health by getting me the lifting gloves that I really wanted as a Christmas gift. I was committed to it before the gloves, but now I have tangible accountability in my car of proof that I am person who goes to the gym. I have become a person with a gym bag, a growing gym wardrobe, and lifting gloves.
They are a silly pair of gloves that are pink and fun, but when I put them on I feel like a person I never recognized before. I am a person who is actively seeking a better lifestyle, devoted in purpose to see my health come under submission, and I am the master of this body not the other way around. I am thankful for the investment my friend made in my pursuit to get healthy. I have learned through this culture shift that when God takes us on a journey, no matter the destination, he doesn’t send us alone. He colors the changes with a smattering of support – people who hold on to your dream for you, depositing little things to help and encourage you to the goal you have set before you.
Who is investing in your world? Are you putting yourself around people who are spurring you on to achieving the goals and dreams you almost couldn’t see yourself sometimes? Who are you investing in? I have learned investing in someone else’s visions and dreams gives life to your own. Did I do anything special to have Gareth invest in my gloves? No, we simply are uncomplicated friends spurring one another on, but I believe in the cyclical power of life. The more I invest in others the more God reveals people who believe in me and my life and invest themselves into the dreams and goals that are leading my life.
Go forth and invest!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Cheers, Petal
I was initially challenged to start a blog and write in it everyday. I remember thinking that I didn’t know if I could have completed pieces of work done every day. I even remember talking to my friend Stephanie about it, discussing how it was just being faithful with the writing, not necessarily the content at first. For some reason however, I had a mental block that only wanted a certain type of writing to be seen. I wanted to be successful and I want to get published, so I worked on pieces of a topic or idea rather than just writing whatever. I did not want my blog to become a daily journal.
The tone of my blog has shifted it seems though. In pursuit of recognizing the power of the everyday, I’ve begun writing myself through this season helping me to really notice that power and attach it to the day I am in. I have surrendered to this new theme. I figure that other people tell me all the time that my everyday is powerful and I’m about changing lives; so at some point I have to stop trying to control the way God manifests my destiny before me and embrace this being the way he is doing it. At some point I made this choice. I chose to be a person of salt; to yield myself to something so much bigger than myself and become a part of it.
This writing, the writing through the days as they come and examining the small bits that create the greater whole of the day is probably going to be the thing that catapults my appeal as a writer. I am a fairly talented writer, but not spectacular. I am, however, authentic with a dream in my heart that is finally starting to flesh itself out; and leave it to God to take the one thing I resisted the most to be the one thing that puts the momentum into the fruition of my dream.
If I am going to fight out the days that are hard in words, I want to celebrate the days of respite when life is sweet to me and my spirit refreshes.
One of my most favorite preachers preached tonight at a special meeting at church. He spoke on being a person of difference. He spoke on so much that my head is still swimming in the wide minded, creative, risky, adventurous possibilities that are in store for life. He spoke about spirits recognizing each other. How after meeting someone and being around them what flows out of them is something that stirs you and fires you up, causing you to think to yourself, man, I want to be around that person more. What’s coming out of them is something I want to be around. I had a few of those moments today. My new friend Rachael’s spirit is so hungry for passionate people that it literally pulled my passion out to meet hers. I want to be around people that stir my passion that way. People who are excited and overwhelmed with the magnitude of what perhaps could happen. That Perhaps that Lord….
One of the pastors at my church, Romey, is like that. I was just thinking to myself the other day that I missed her as I hadn’t talked with her in ages. Then tonight I was able to chat with her for a long time. To catch up on the God highlights of the seasons we are in and as in true Romey fashion she taught me more about being a mom and revealed more of a heart vulnerable to Jesus. One thing about Romey, she is teachable and keeping her heart soft is the deepest undercurrent to her life – she will always be open and pliable. There were many parts of the conversation where my spirit identified with hers and I believe we built the kingdom of heaven into each other.
Today demonstrated God’s grace and mercy as he unfolded joy in the smallest of daily nuances and as they stacked upon each other ordinary became extraordinary and filled my soul with hope. Hope for tomorrow. Hope for my friends. Hope that breakthrough is in progress.
The tone of my blog has shifted it seems though. In pursuit of recognizing the power of the everyday, I’ve begun writing myself through this season helping me to really notice that power and attach it to the day I am in. I have surrendered to this new theme. I figure that other people tell me all the time that my everyday is powerful and I’m about changing lives; so at some point I have to stop trying to control the way God manifests my destiny before me and embrace this being the way he is doing it. At some point I made this choice. I chose to be a person of salt; to yield myself to something so much bigger than myself and become a part of it.
This writing, the writing through the days as they come and examining the small bits that create the greater whole of the day is probably going to be the thing that catapults my appeal as a writer. I am a fairly talented writer, but not spectacular. I am, however, authentic with a dream in my heart that is finally starting to flesh itself out; and leave it to God to take the one thing I resisted the most to be the one thing that puts the momentum into the fruition of my dream.
If I am going to fight out the days that are hard in words, I want to celebrate the days of respite when life is sweet to me and my spirit refreshes.
One of my most favorite preachers preached tonight at a special meeting at church. He spoke on being a person of difference. He spoke on so much that my head is still swimming in the wide minded, creative, risky, adventurous possibilities that are in store for life. He spoke about spirits recognizing each other. How after meeting someone and being around them what flows out of them is something that stirs you and fires you up, causing you to think to yourself, man, I want to be around that person more. What’s coming out of them is something I want to be around. I had a few of those moments today. My new friend Rachael’s spirit is so hungry for passionate people that it literally pulled my passion out to meet hers. I want to be around people that stir my passion that way. People who are excited and overwhelmed with the magnitude of what perhaps could happen. That Perhaps that Lord….
One of the pastors at my church, Romey, is like that. I was just thinking to myself the other day that I missed her as I hadn’t talked with her in ages. Then tonight I was able to chat with her for a long time. To catch up on the God highlights of the seasons we are in and as in true Romey fashion she taught me more about being a mom and revealed more of a heart vulnerable to Jesus. One thing about Romey, she is teachable and keeping her heart soft is the deepest undercurrent to her life – she will always be open and pliable. There were many parts of the conversation where my spirit identified with hers and I believe we built the kingdom of heaven into each other.
Today demonstrated God’s grace and mercy as he unfolded joy in the smallest of daily nuances and as they stacked upon each other ordinary became extraordinary and filled my soul with hope. Hope for tomorrow. Hope for my friends. Hope that breakthrough is in progress.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Quam minimum credula postero.
Carpe Diem is the ever famous quote from the Roman poet Horace (65B.C.–8B.C.), but what I just learned today as I was trying to figure out what to write about is the actual quote is, "Carpe Diem. Quam minimum credula postero." Which means various things like harvest the day, pluck the day, and of course the popular translation of seize the day! The second part is what got my attention. Quam minimum credula postero: trusting as little as possible in tomorrow.
Walking up the stairs to my bedroom in the house that I lived in Nashville, I remember thinking to myself one day as I was daydreaming about how if my reality were different, and I stopped. I was living in Nashville! That was a dream in itself and I was doing it. It may not look like I had wanted it too, but it was reality and it was high time I started focusing on being present in my head in the moment that I was in. If not I might miss something spectacular!
I have always been a daydreamer. Right now I am daydreaming about being with my friends, drinking tea, playing Phase 10, and winning! I am daydreaming about the day I get to put my two weeks notice in at my current employer gearing up for a new career start – whatever I have to do to be anywhere but here.
As stated before in earlier writings the learning of the everyday is where I am right now. Being present in this moment and taking advantage of the great stories that lie within my everyday, to take the effort to make the day stand out. To notice the power and opportunity in what could be in the moments that are happening right now, even this moment as I pen this on my break at work.
My greatest fear with this writing dream in my heart is I wake up at 70 one day and all I ever said was “one day.” One day when I write books and I get to go on book tours and spur people on to be better than they ever imagined...one day.
Today is today though and today is grand. Today I am trusting as little as possible in tomorrow to be faithful and focused and purposed in today and what it holds
Carpe Diem...yes Quam minimum credula postero...could be the only way to really carpe diem.
Walking up the stairs to my bedroom in the house that I lived in Nashville, I remember thinking to myself one day as I was daydreaming about how if my reality were different, and I stopped. I was living in Nashville! That was a dream in itself and I was doing it. It may not look like I had wanted it too, but it was reality and it was high time I started focusing on being present in my head in the moment that I was in. If not I might miss something spectacular!
I have always been a daydreamer. Right now I am daydreaming about being with my friends, drinking tea, playing Phase 10, and winning! I am daydreaming about the day I get to put my two weeks notice in at my current employer gearing up for a new career start – whatever I have to do to be anywhere but here.
As stated before in earlier writings the learning of the everyday is where I am right now. Being present in this moment and taking advantage of the great stories that lie within my everyday, to take the effort to make the day stand out. To notice the power and opportunity in what could be in the moments that are happening right now, even this moment as I pen this on my break at work.
My greatest fear with this writing dream in my heart is I wake up at 70 one day and all I ever said was “one day.” One day when I write books and I get to go on book tours and spur people on to be better than they ever imagined...one day.
Today is today though and today is grand. Today I am trusting as little as possible in tomorrow to be faithful and focused and purposed in today and what it holds
Carpe Diem...yes Quam minimum credula postero...could be the only way to really carpe diem.
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